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Thread: Chuck Norris
03-02-2006, 11:18 AM #1
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- Feb 2006
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huck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has never paid taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a
plane and punched the ground.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on
games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six
feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he
will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple
universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one.
When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris
roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
useto kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris removed his own tonsils. He didn't even have tonsilitis.
Chuck Norris' smile can blind a full grown adult at 20 paces and has9
been known to deflect all projectile weapons including rocket launchers.
Mr. T may pity the fool, but Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.
A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang
Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy
the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy
in the face and took it back.
When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt
trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris wears bear traps for sandals
Chuck Norris rode in to town on Friday, stayed 3 days and left on
His horse was named Justice, and he can control the spin of the earth.
Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to
a wall and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.
Hitler did not commit suicide, Chuck Norris got bored of fighting WWII
and killed him.
99% of Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1% is pain in your
genitals. The other 10% contributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris
always gives 110%.
Ghandi used to be a Nazi before Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in
the face, showing him that violence is not the answer.
If you take a picture of Chuck Norris, from that day on, that camera
will only develop that same picture of Chuck Norris, no matter what is
in the lens's sight.
Each individual sperm cell in Chuck Norris' semen has a beard.
Chuck Norris invented the beard. He receives several million dollars in
annual royalties from Santa Claus, Richard Dreyfuss, and Chewbacca.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris built the entire continent of Asia in two days using just a
spoon and Teen People magazine.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of
The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.
It is believed that King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur is actually
a strand of hair from Chuck Norris' beard.
Chuck Norris has bed sheets that are made from 60 grit sandpaper.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
03-02-2006 11:18 AM # ADSCircuit advertisement
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06-01-2006, 11:09 PM #2
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
- Muskrat Springs
1/4 Mile Club
Chuck Noris is in the 1/4 mile club. He's one of the few people that can run across 1/4 mile of open ground with 10 guys firing automatic weapons at him and not get hit.
http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/Remember kids, don't try this at home. Try it at someone else's home.
08-17-2006, 11:39 PM #3
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- Dec 2004
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