Am I Bad?

[rockgremlin]

A friend of mine has a family member that for a long time now (about 7 years), has been slowly dying of a degenerative terminal illness. Said family member is now living a life with zero quality, and is now close to the kick off point. Most likely won't live another year, and might not even make it through another couple of months. Said family member is now being a burden to the rest of the family.


Am I bad that I wish my friend's said family member would just peacefully but promptly pass?

[BruteForce]

Uh. Yeah.

[Deathcricket]

You're getting tired of seeing a friend's family member suffering on their downward spiral to the grave and wish to see their suffering end?

Naw man.

[DOSS]

No, No you are not. Quality of life is much more important than longevity. When my Grandpa passed away there were few people who did not feel relief that he was no longer is such a poor state (Alzheimer/dementia to the point that he often thought he was a dog, violent could not control his bodily functions). I personally would not want to continue suffering if all that I had to look forward to was a promise of being bedridden, sick, in pain and a burden to the world around me.
I wouldn't let my dog suffer, why would I want a person I care about to suffer either.

[DiscGo]

Am I bad that I wish my friend's said family member would just peacefully but promptly pass?

That would be a bad thing to say about a healthy person, but a logical and thoughtful thing to say about a dying person.

[tomertim]

I would concur with saying you aren't bad to feel this way. All my work is with seniors (I work for Salt Lake County Aging Services) and we see this every day. I think the hinging factor is in his/her passing, are you hoping for some sort of gain? It sounds like that is not the case.

Unfortunately there are quite a few people out there who are only concerned about their financial benefit of someone passing. E.g. the quicker mom goes the less the assisted living facility will take of my inheritance. Sad but it happens every day.

If your thoughts/feelings are out of compassion for both the person suffering as well as the remaining family members then I would argue that you're actually being a really good friend.

[rockgremlin]

I would concur with saying you aren't bad to feel this way. All my work is with seniors (I work for Salt Lake County Aging Services) and we see this every day. I think the hinging factor is in his/her passing, are you hoping for some sort of gain? It sounds like that is not the case.

Unfortunately there are quite a few people out there who are only concerned about their financial benefit of someone passing. E.g. the quicker mom goes the less the assisted living facility will take of my inheritance. Sad but it happens every day.

If your thoughts/feelings are out of compassion for both the person suffering as well as the remaining family members then I would argue that you're actually being a really good friend.

Ya, there's no bonus or benefit headed towards my friend at all as a result of his family member's death. Even his his dying relative outwardly expresses wishes that death would come soon.

It has really taken a toll on my friend's wife, and his sisters-in-law. Which in turn has a ripple effect, taking a toll on their spouses and everyone involved. It's a mess.

Glad to hear I'm not the devil for entertaining such thoughts.

[kiwi_outdoors]

No, No you are not. Quality of life is much more important than longevity. When my Grandpa passed away there were few people who did not feel relief that he was no longer is such a poor state (Alzheimer/dementia to the point that he often thought he was a dog, violent could not control his bodily functions). I personally would not want to continue suffering if all that I had to look forward to was a promise of being bedridden, sick, in pain and a burden to the world around me.
I wouldn't let my dog suffer, why would I want a person I care about to suffer either.

Well said. My wifer and I both hold the same view (we are over 60).

[Byron]

Personally, I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone. If the end was near for me, I already have a spot picked out to end it all...The Palisades of the Desert, a good thousand foot free fall.

This same situation happened with my grandpa back in the early '90s, and it just sucked. He was in real bad shape and hung in there for like four years, not even being able to wipe his own butt...it stressed my grandma and aunt, as they had to stay with him 24-7 the whole time. I remember being kinda mad at him for trying so hard to stay alive, as he could have offed himself just by refusing to take the meds. The last 2 weeks of his life were absolutely horrible, all that fight to stay around only to die in terrible pain. I missed him when he went, but I didn't feel bad at all about thinking the way I did...overall, I think I was right.

I was only 28 at the time, and never really gave much thought to "death with dignity"...but that made a firm believer out of me. In other words...don't feel bad. That day will come and she'll be gone, and then they can go on with their lives, and that will be a good thing. God bless her.

[Bluff-Canyoneer]

It is the suffering that is evil. You wishing for it to end is not.

I hope the family gets some relief soon.

[Brian in SLC]

Glad to hear I'm not the devil for entertaining such thoughts.

You're not. I watched my dad die a slow death over a few years. Mostly just laying in bed moaning. Thank goodness for a tooth infection.

Reminds me of that scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Wished I had a pillow.

[JP]

Nope.

[tanya]

For once Rocky.... (just kidding of course)

....you are not being bad.

That is not life in my opinion, but so many have their own beliefs, but what you think is not bad.

[Sombeech]

It depends if your main concern is for them to have peace and comfort, or if there's an underlying side of you that hopes it will end soon so it's no longer an inconvenience to care for them or visit them.

When I've had loved ones pass away, it was somewhat of a relief, of course we were all glad that they were no longer suffering, but what nobody wanted to admit was that they were relieved of duty, so to speak. The care schedule could be expired, we had our share of visits taken care of compared to the other family members, the surveillance and protection of the house could be taken down a notch...

They weren't to that extent of course, but there is no reason to feel guilty if you simply wish them peace. And if you are looking for the relief yoursef (because visits and care IS a pretty big job when they are close to the end), I wouldn't say that's bad either, it's just what exactly are the real reasons you wish somebody would peacefully pass away?

I absolutely LOVED my late Grandparents, and when I would visit my Grandma near the end when the nurse wasn't present at the house, at the back of my mind I was hoping her amnesia wouldn't act up too much, that she wouldn't need to be moved on her bed, that the bag wouldn't need to be changed, all that stuff, that it could just be a simple uneventful visit. This was purely a selfish desire but understandable. But I did try to visit her and was truly sad she was gone, but relieved at the same time.

[rockgremlin]

It depends if your main concern is for them to have peace and comfort, or if there's an underlying side of you that hopes it will end soon so it's no longer an inconvenience to care for them or visit them.

When I've had loved ones pass away, it was somewhat of a relief, of course we were all glad that they were no longer suffering, but what nobody wanted to admit was that they were relieved of duty, so to speak. The care schedule could be expired, we had our share of visits taken care of compared to the other family members, the surveillance and protection of the house could be taken down a notch...

They weren't to that extent of course, but there is no reason to feel guilty if you simply wish them peace. And if you are looking for the relief yoursef (because visits and care IS a pretty big job when they are close to the end), I wouldn't say that's bad either, it's just what exactly are the real reasons you wish somebody would peacefully pass away?

I absolutely LOVED my late Grandparents, and when I would visit my Grandma near the end when the nurse wasn't present at the house, at the back of my mind I was hoping her amnesia wouldn't act up too much, that she wouldn't need to be moved on her bed, that the bag wouldn't need to be changed, all that stuff, that it could just be a simple uneventful visit. This was purely a selfish desire but understandable. But I did try to visit her and was truly sad she was gone, but relieved at the same time.

Kinda all of the above...all parties involved have shouldered a considerable amount of grief and unpleasantness...especially the member who is ill.

[Junebug]

My father in law was in a vegetative state (after a stroke) when I first "met" him. He lingered for a total of 9 years or so before finally passing. I never knew him of course, but I could see the pain and anguish that my husband dealt with whenever we would visit. I could also see that tremendous toll that it took on my husbands aging grandparents, who never gave up hope that he would one day wake up.
When he finally passed, I was relieved. Relieved that my husband finally had a sense of closure. Relived that his grandparents could spend their last years doing something other than caring for and sitting with a man day after day after day -one who was never, ever going to wake up- or who even had any knowledge of of their presence.