Marriage is becoming obsolete

[tanya]

The media coverage over the last week would have one think that Americans are racing to trade in the clang of wedding bells for the sweet sound of independence

[tanya]

I doubt I would ever marry again.

It seems the thing to do when young, but what happens to Most (and I really think it is most) is that they grow apart and then feel they are stuck. Those that stay do so because of Kids and not wanting to loose what they have worked all their lives to build.

Lawyers seems to get 99% and the ex's split the 1% that is left. - Okay that part is an exaggeration, but its bad out there!

I have talked to so many men who are 40 to 50 and the ex took almost everything they had and wants more! They keep taking them to court for more and more and more.

If they have kids that are not grown yet, they end up paying a lot for child support, even if they have the kids equal time.

Many men have to move in with a friend or live in a tiny apartment to survive. The women don't seem much happier and most have to work a job after being able to stay home all their lives which is difficult to do at their age.

I have a friend who never did marry. He is a Vet and makes lots of money, but he pays like crazy for his one kid, just to be able to see her once a week. The court ruled that they acted and shared as if they were married, so he must pay as if they were.

We all want to wake up with the one we love, be held, have fun and do all that stuff. It's a shame that money can make that all ugly in the end.

[peakbaggers]

I've been married now for 32 years and would not change a thing. The reasons for so many failed marriages are varied & complex, and there's not time or space to analyze all of them here, but here's one thought. I believe that entering marriage thoughtfully and carefully and not just on a hormone/sex rush has a great many benefits that will contribute to a lasting marriage. I knew what "kind" of woman I wanted to marry and waited for her. I've always been an "outdoor" oriented type and knew how important that was to me, so I sought a woman with similar interests. My wife and I do pretty much everything together. We have climbed almost all of the peaks in Colorado over 13,000 ft. together and have been at it for 32+ years. We canyoneer together; road bike; mountain bike; backcountry ski; hike; backpack; etc. Do we have some separate activities? Yes. But we never have to argue about what "I" want to do. We have a great number of things in common. We've raised our two kids in a similar way and they have both married well.
We met a woman on top of a peak near Telluride a few years back who complained about always having trouble finding a climbing partner. I responded to her, "I married mine!"
I'm reminded of the third Indiana Jones movie where Indy must choose which of many is the Holy Grail. He is confronted with any number of ornate challises, some bedecked in gold and jewels and others with ornate designs. Others with him choose wrong and die, but Indy looks and selects a plain wooden cup saying, "This is a carpenter's cup" refering to Jesus' father Joseph who was such. Having made the right choice, one of the Knights replies, "You have chosen well."
My wife is certainly not the most beautiful woman around (and I'm certainly not the most handsome man), but she is right for me and I'm glad I chose well. Hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of romantic mush, but if we hold a higher view of marriage, then I think a lasting marriage can be a realistic outcome. Signed: a retrogrouch!

[Deathcricket]

I doubt I would ever marry again.

It seems the thing to do when young, but what happens to Most (and I really think it is most) is that they grow apart and then feel they are stuck. Those that stay do so because of Kids and not wanting to loose what they have worked all their lives to build.

Lawyers seems to get 99% and the ex's split the 1% that is left. - Okay that part is an exaggeration, but its bad out there!

I have talked to so many men who are 40 to 50 and the ex took almost everything they had and wants more! They keep taking them to court for more and more and more.

If they have kids that are not grown yet, they end up paying a lot for child support, even if they have the kids equal time.

Many men have to move in with a friend or live in a tiny apartment to survive. The women don't seem much happier and most have to work a job after being able to stay home all their lives which is difficult to do at their age.

I have a friend who never did marry. He is a Vet and makes lots of money, but he plays like crazy for his one kid, just to be able to see her once a week. The court ruled that they acted and shared as if they were married, so he must pay as if they were.

We all want to wake up with the one we love, be held, have fun and do all that stuff. It's a shame that money can make that all ugly in the end.

Good post! I felt "stuck" in my last marriage and should have gotten out about 3 years earlier than I did. But stayed there for my kid desperately trying to work it out. I now pay a lot for child support because my ex has no job (nor does she want one), and is considered "in need of compensation". But I pay almost nothing in alimony, so it's fine. really when all is said and done it costs about 15% of my gross monthly. So I survive just fine. To get this deal though I pretty much gave up every possession we had to her except the house which we have only owned for 2 years and is upside down on anyways. But again I don't mind, I just have been buying brand new stuff that is much better. :P

I'm already remarried in less than a year. I never wanted to stay single and felt much wiser in my spouse choosing abilities now. I was very interested in settling down as soon as possible and have done so. The hard thing though is not seeing my kid as much as I like. Every other weekend and Wednesday nights. But I'm starting to enjoy weekends with my new wife very much. We call them our "lay in bed naked, eat quesadilla's, and watch Battlestar Galactica" weekends. Can't do that with the kid around, hehehe.

When I decided to get a divorce, I consulted with an amazing lawyer and she pretty much predicted spot on how it would turn out. There is a child support calculator online you can find out exactly what your child support will be. It's a rigid formula and not open to interpretation. Alimony is though. The hard part is dealing with the bitch after the divorce though. She refuses to move on with her life and tries to get "revenge" any little way she can. Pitiful really, but still annoying.

I think really, if you marry or not, you're still on the line for child support. Lawyers are super expensive but you would probably get one regardless in a custody battle. I just don't see how not being married and having a kid absolves you from all responsibility. I highly advocate living with the person for a good period of time before you get married. then promise each other that nothing will change once a ring goes on that finger, and hold them to their promise.

Whether you're single or not doesn't exclude a lot of these arguments. But clearly if you feel "stuck" like I did, it's the worst situation in the world. Nothing worse than being tied down to a partner you can't leave. Sucks!! I knew the second I married my ex and she moved in I had made a HUGE error in judgment and now I gotta live with that decision for a longgggg time. My kid is 4 so I got 14 years of child support ahead and dealing with that bitch at dropoff/pickup...

[Deuce]

Loved being married so much, have done it twice.....

My ex-wife is great. We got married young, had a child and really lived different lives. I was pretty juvenile and self absorbed. I didn't know what it meant to be a husband/father. We divorced, but remain great friends and we hang out regularly with our current spouses. We live just down the street from each other, which was planned due to having a great kid together. There was no bitter divorce and/or bickering over money.

I love my wife and am happy/lucky we found each other. I learned a lot from mistakes I made in my first marriage and hope that I use some of what I learned to be a better husband. Would not change a thing, not the first marriage that ended, nor getting into the second.

[DiscGo]

There are certainly days (like today :) ) that being single would be easier, but over all marriage is great. One of the reasons I married my wife was because I knew that I wanted to be the kind of guy who would be married to someone like her. I could have married someone else that would have made life easier, but not happier.

[greyhair biker]

Hmm...how to respond to this one. I've been married to the same woman for 27 years and a few of them pretty rocky times but the last few years have improved dramatically. We decided to make things work after the last bad stretch and incredible as it seems we have learned to love each other for who we are. I can't explain it any better than that but I am actually looking forward to the empty nester years, which are less than a few years away. I would never want to try to counsel others in their marriages after the crap we put each other through but for those that want a marriage I'm just 'glad to be along for the ride'!

[jfeiro]

deleted

[tanya]

Lovin' the stories! Keep them comin'

[BruteForce]

I've been married 20 years (this month), and with my wife for 24 years in total. The first ten years were pretty rocky.. most of the issues attributed to me, my temper and my overly aggressive jealousy. On a camping trip about 7 years ago, my wife threatened to leave me; right there, on the spot, and in the middle of the woods. We crawled into the back of her 4Runner and worked through the issues. Right then and there, I came to the realization that if I changed a little bit, things would work out. Since that time, we haven't had a serious fight/argument.

I've come to the conclusion that anything worth keeping requires effort. Most marriages fail because no effort is exerted to maintain the romance, the love and the desire that was there in the beginning. Additionally, I'm fairly certain that this
"laziness" is also influenced by the media and its portrayal of one night affairs, multiple lovers, etc.

I have no intention of ever getting divorced, hence no need to ever think about re-marrying.

[Hnak]

I not only would do it again (get married...), but I am going to do it again, next April....

[Alex]

Tanya you know my story. I've been with my best friend for almost 20 years. Been married for 8. One rule we go by is to never go to bed mad at each other and have to work it out even if it takes us all night (we have done that). Laying in bed mad at each other, not wanting to make the first move to say "sorry". It's hard every time, but I believe that is what makes a relationship to survive. Ability to communicate the downfalls and work through them.

I love being married, I love the care my wife provides for me and how she spoils me. I try to work hard for the family and provide an environment at home for her to stay home and be a house wife, which she is very proud of. It works well for us, it might not work for others. I think the trick to the happy relationship is knowing what YOU want from the relationship and not settling down unless you find it. Then finding out the negative traits in the other person and seeing if you can live with those for the rest of your life.

Alex

[Rev. Coyote]

Been married 25 years to my best friend, Dr. Coyote. We are partners in crime and have shared a lot of great adventures together. I got lucky. We've had some definite rough spots, but grew threw them. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Now -- if marriage were completely legal, that would be great!

[uintahiker]

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have the best wife ever! I definitely married up, but she's super easy to be around and likes to hike,camp, backpack, etc. We enjoy most of the same things, but I prefer that to liking all of the same things. I think you need good tension in a relationship. If someone is passive and goes along with everything the other one wants, I don't think it's a good thing. Certainly for me anyway.

I've noticed that satisfaction levels are about like this, listed highest to lowest. Happily married, happily single, unhappily single, unhappily married.

One thing that can be a curveball with a lot of newly married-especially here in Utah- is birth control pills. Not gonna go into detail, but the woman I married was not the woman I thought I was marrying. Then we got things sorted out and life was a LOT better. I'm sure others have had a similar experience...

[Sombeech]

Been married 25 years to my best friend, Dr. Coyote. We are partners in crime and have shared a lot of great adventures together. I got lucky. We've had some definite rough spots, but grew threw them. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Now -- if marriage were completely legal, that would be great!

Rev where the HELL you been? Good to see you.

[tanya]

I have to say I am shocked. I have heard nothing but bad things about marriage for years from people and almost everyone here that's voted loves it and would do it again.


Congrats Hank!!!!! Another single handsome man .... lost.

[cachehiker]

I would do it again.

What about those of us who have never been married?

All things considered, I'd give it a shot.

I spent a lot of my life unwilling to let my guard down. It didn't help that my parents disapproved of every girlfriend I had until I was 40 and that I spent my late 20's and early 30's totally pissed at the world and out to prove everybody wrong. It wasn't immediately, first impression obvious, but once somebody got to know me well, it was clear I was holding on to some very deep seated resentments. It's not surprising that I never married. I've been engaged twice and lived with four different women for a few to several months each. Things have always gotten difficult for me when it came time to transition from serious relationship to a committed relationship and the women in my life have always run out of patience before I could get over my (maybe not so) little hurdle.

Now that I've mellowed, I'd give it a shot if I felt good about things six months or a year along. Too bad I don't meet very many singles my age who are still pretty active.

[tanya]

In Utah I have met few men that have not been married, but in Vegas there were so many! The men from Utah and Vegas are like they are from 2 different planets. Have you lived with any women? If you have not been "trained" by one by this time you may not be able to tolerate one.

[ibenick]

Now that I've mellowed, I'd give it a shot if I felt good about things six months or a year along. Too bad I don't meet very many singles my age who are still pretty active.

Dude! As a fellow native Cache Valley-ite I have some advice. First step: get the hell out of Cache Valley. Second step: stay the hell out of Cache Valley. Don't get me wrong, I love Logan, it's a nice place but it's AWFUL if you're single and not super-mo fresh off a mission.

[beachbum222]

[FONT=Verdana]All i can say is i can