New Mexico chilli cook-off...........

[jfeiro]

NEW MEXICAN CHILI COOK-OFF

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your drive-way. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of &nb sp;pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive..
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedi cs. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. Take note that I am worried about judge number 3
. . . He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blen d chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[greyhair biker]

[Don]

I almost skipped reading when I saw the length, I'm glad I didn't. Funny stuff.

[Felicia]

Yup - it still hurts when I laugh!!!

But it was well worth it!!!