All the cheaters out there say "HO!" -long-

[ilanimaka]

Please excuse me while I rant before asking your opinions...

Ok, so my wife of less than 7 months and I have been having issues. Almost from the day we got married, she'd get upset about something REALLY stupid (eg - I parked in her parking spot; I left her car door unlocked while it's in the garage; I took advantage of the dental insurance that she provides for me without her express permission; I put gas in my car but not hers; etc.) and would say things like, "You are just showing me how little you care about me," "What are you, retarded/stupid/incompetent," "I can't be married to somebody like you," "If you loved me, you wouldn't ________," "If things don't change, I'm out of here. I don't need you." The list goes on and on. I'm the peacekeeper in the couple, and things usually just roll off my back. I say I'm sorry for whatever I did to piss her off and try to move on.

Then I started losing my temper. I started biting back when she'd snap at me. I had caught her many times (though I always let it slide and didn't point it out) lying to me about her personal finances. This shouldn't have been an issue because we had an agreement. Her money is her money, and my money is my money. But she was always asking me for money, even when I knew she had $3 or 4K in her bank account. Then when I WOULD finally point it out, she'd crawl down my throat for harassing her. Anyways, I started to lose my temper (which I didn't used to do) and then I'd feel bad about it and do whatever I had to do to smooth things over. I've lost track of the number of flowers, gifts, love notes, etc. that I went through during these times.

Then she started talking about how I must not care about her wants and needs whenever I'd talk about taking custody of my 3 kids to add them to her 2. She'd talk about how they were better off with their mom; how she needed her weekends to be free to do what she wanted; how she valued her sleep and freedom so much that she gave up her youngest daughter for adoption to protect it. She will say these things one minute, yet complain about what a crappy parent my ex-wife is (and she is too.) What's even more, she knows that there's a big part of me that wants out of Utah - that I miss my family (I've always been really close to my parents & siblings) to the point of depression sometimes. She knows these things, and we even agreed before we got married that one of these days (sooner than later) we'd be moving back to Kansas, yet when the subject ever comes up, she tells me that I'm tearing her away from HER family (depending on the day, she loves some of them or hates them all) and that I'm free to go, but she's never leaving Utah.

In spite of this, I'm a giving person and have always picked up the slack for her. I've paid her bills; I covered the entire rent since last October though she promised she would cover half; I gave her money whenever she would go to Wendover and lose so much money she didn't have enough to cover her bills; I sold some of my most prized possessions (Baby Desert Eagle, Decked out AR-15, Winchester 1300 Defender; Winchester '94 Trapper in .44 Magnum) so she could get the engagement ring she always dreamed of (http://www.samuelsjewelers.com/media/700/101034932.jpg); I agreed to let her stay at home instead of work so she can fulfill her dream of becoming a nurse like her deceased mother; I even payed for her sister's bridal shower and half of the cost for 2 tickets to Maui for her sister's honeymoon because SHE promised her sister she would, though she didn't have the funds to do so. The point is: Me = Good Hubby.

Now that you have some background, here's what's going on now. In March, I had some much needed dental work done. I had 2 cavities that I had neglected for years and they were quite painful. Anyways, I had them filled and told her about it before filing a claim with her dental insurance. She got mad at me, saying that I was being selfish for using MY money to get MY dental work done when her daughter needs some too... Not that anybody ever told ME that. So, she says that I am forbidden to use HER dental plan to fix MY teeth. After a while I get the bill and it went from $150 to $550 because of the initial visits & x-rays. I thought about it long and hard and decided to go ahead and use the dental plan anyways for this one time and then I wouldn't use it any more. Well, they sent her a letter saying that the claim was filed and she went absolutely ballistic saying that I went behind her back; that it was tantamount to cheating on her. She then goes on to say that she's going to pursue other relationships now. I lost my temper and told her how as far as I was concerned, her staying in touch with a couple of her ex-'s was closer to infidelity than my using the insurance I had access to with or without her "permission." She started making threats and telling me I better stop talking to her like that. I retorted by telling her that I saw this whole thing ending tonight anyways, so I didn't care WHO she fncked.

I went downstairs to fume and let it marinate and she hopped in her car and left for 2 or 3 hours. I convinced that she went out and cheated on me with one of her ex-'s who has always vied for her affections. I'm planning on moving out before the end of May, but I'd like to hear your opinions on things.

BTW, she's the one who always kept me from making it to the Sushi gatherings or even the Moab weekend. Her jealousy of other women is ridiculous.

Sorry this is so long. Had to get it off my chest...

[Sombeech]

[Sombeech]

But seriously, sorry to hear that. I hate to say it, but there's always a hidden reason for behavior like hers.

[DiscGo]

That is so tough man. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'll offer my opinion but this is one of those things that plays so close to the heart that I realize that there is a good chance of offending you but I assure you that is not my intention. Here it goes:

I was very VERY unhappily married for about the first 2 years of my marriage. I was always with my wife but I had never felt so lonely and people getting divorced made a lot more sense to me during that time then it ever did before I got married. Things for me and my wife turned around when we started camping again and doing the things we did when we were single, and I am now very happily married. As I was reading through your posts I was thinking about how typical your situation is when being so recently married until I saw this line:

...She valued her sleep and freedom so much that she gave up her youngest daughter for adoption to protect it.

I don't know how else to say it, so here it goes: If that really is why she gave up a daughter for adoption, then she is not somebody you want to have assisting in raising your kids.


I'll bet if we heard her side of things it would probably be more balanced but only hearing your side it sounds as though she is a user and I am impressed you have hung in there this long.


If you guys do get things worked out, please forgive me for saying anything but that does not sound like a healthy relationship. Sorry Bro. Good luck!

[IntrepidXJ]

Based on the first paragraph alone....I would have been out of there much sooner.

Life's too short to not enjoy it...

[Scott Card]

"You are just showing me how little you care about me," "What are you, retarded/stupid/incompetent," "I can't be married to somebody like you," "If you loved me, you wouldn't ________," "If things don't change, I'm out of here. I don't need you."

Then she started talking about how I must not care about her wants and needs . . . . . .

Ahhh, the "my wants and needs are not being met" statement. What do people expect when they get married? A servant? When ever I hear comments like this I see red flags all over the place.

I also ask my clients what the other party would say about them if I were to ask. What would she say about you?

Marriage is a two way street with two people giving 100% to the marriage relationship. It will never work when one gives and the other does not. The problem is when you look at it that way, selfishness starts to creep in. But in this situation, I see immaturity all over the place. Also, with separate bank accounts, what is the deal? I know many do that but I have never really figured out why. You trust them with your kids, you, your health but not your money? What are you hanging on to? In Utah, it doesn't matter a lick if you have separate bank accounts unless you have an inheritance in it and it is never comingled. Put wages in? Joint property. Pay bills with, joint propery..... Oh well, job security......

[Alex]

Due to your description, and to such a short marriage you could probably get an annulment now.

All that happen in 7 months is not normal in my opinion. Marriage is about the needs of the OTHER person, not your own needs and wants. That comes after long years of being together and it is given as a gift from one to another.

I am sorry bud, you can bring a horse to water, but it's hard to make a horse drink. Get out, raise your kids and then you will be a free man to enjoy your own life and don't have to put up with someone else's problems (aka her daughter's dental, sister's bridal shower and honeymoon, etc).

Sorry to hear again.

[Sombeech]

Yeah, the seperate bank accounts thing is a big sign too.

You guys have to decide if you want it to be a marriage, or just two adults with kids living in the same house. Right now, it's closer to the latter.

These things probably aren't always necessary for a successful marriage, but they are helpful:
joint bank account
joint insurance
joint cell phone plan
sharing of email passwords - all passwords to be exact
there should be nothing to hide in a marriage.

Granted, sometimes I don't live up to my end of the bargain, and I see the consequences.

[kaptain]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

[Deathcricket]

Dude she's totally right. You need to pay for everything, go no where, do nothing, and attend her every need. In fact I'm surprised you haven't quit your job so you can attend to her 24/7. She should have to do absolutely nothing, except ring a bell when she needs your services. Don't make her ring that bell 2x though or your ass is grass. How dare you try and add your kids to hers and make a cohesive happy family! Seeing your kids more often would make you and your kids happy not her. You see, she is the center of the universe and you must bend your will to hers. Your needs and your kids needs, are now irrelevant. Before you do anything, you need to ask yourself "would this make my woman happy?" If the answer is no, then simply don't do it.

Granted she will never actually BE happy. But you need to spend the rest of your life in pursuit of her dream. Once you stop thinking and just become a mindless slave, you'll find these thoughts about having a happy family will disappear and you won't miss it.

Seriously though, you know the answer to what you're asking. Do you really need vindication here? I think perhaps you're just worried about being alone. It happens to us all man. Now grow a sack and do what you know you gotta do! And this is coming from a pansy ass who grows roses and loves it!

[Sombeech]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

How's your insurance?

[accadacca]

And this is coming from a pansy ass who grows roses and loves it!

[ilanimaka]

She's said many times that it's me and my ability to keep the peace that holds our relationship together. Who wants that on their shoulders. I don't want to be the only one capable of keeping us together. Also, whenever I've stood my ground and demanded an apology, she says something to the affect that I can't beat her when it comes to being stubborn and that she will let our marriage fail rather than back down.

The more I read my own writing, the more I wonder what took me so long to get out.

If you were to ask her about me, she'd say things like, "He's always doing stupid sh!t," and then relate something about how I get forgetful about things like switching the laundry over. Or maybe she'd say, "He treats me so cr@ppy compared to how he treated me when we were dating." Well, yeah. There's only so long I can give 100% when the other person is constantly wanting more and disregarding what I want.

[kaptain]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

How's your insurance?

I don't want to marry her. I just want to be the 'other guy' who is getting the hot freaky sex with NSA.

[Sombeech]

I don't want to marry her. I just want to be the 'other guy' who is getting the hot freaky sex with NSA.

Yeouch... OK, disclaimer for ilanimaka.... Sorry to have fun with your current situation. We know it's definitely now a fun situation to be in.

[Jaxx]

Couple of options.

1. Counseling
2. Divorce, hopefully and annulment

That is all I can come up with. You are in the situation. I feel like you know what you need to do but it is a huge step. Have you talked with her about counseling yet? Mabey that would help her see how selfish she has been and appreciate you more. Good luck, sorry your in that situation.

edit:
WOW

[Alex]

Give this to your wife:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Fe...1557629&sr=8-1



If she throws it out of the window, you got your answer.

[Bad Karma]

Give this to your wife:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Fe...1557629&sr=8-1



If she throws it out of the window, you got your answer.

This is why I LOVE this forum...it always picks me up when I've had a bad day!

[kaptain]

Ditch the bitch.

My first love was a liar, a slut & a back stabber. I can't believe I dated her for 2 years. When I look back at least she taught me what to look for in a woman, a woman that is the complete opposite of her.

[blueeyes]

Seriously... it sounds like she has mental issues.

Cut your losses, I am sorry any women who would give up her own child for more sleep is a selfish bitch.

If you really want to save this marriage you both need to see a counsler, she may need medication. Her actions are not rationale (even for a women).

I loved my DH and he was a good man, but there were some very important key issues that happened during the 8 months we dated and with in the first year we were married, that if I would have just listened to my own gut feeling or not been so stubborn in holding it together it would have saved both of us a huge amount of pain and suffering. Then again I wouldn't have my children.