The Worst Sacrament Meeting Talk I have Ever Heard

[tallsteve]

For you LDS folks out there you'll love this one and even if you're not, you'll get a kick out of it too. This past weekend we culminated our family reunion by attending Sacrament Meeting at my parents' ward in Kaysville. The concluding speaker gets up and the first thing he does is pull a PINK STUFFED ANIMAL PIG out of a bag and sets it on the podium. He then proceeds to tell us that he knows the First Presidency just released a statement about NOT having visual aides for Sac. Mtg. talks but since he wanted to bring 7 but only brought 1 instead he thought that would be OK! Red flags shot up right there! He then spoke for several minutes about absolutely nothing- just rambling all over the place- no gospel message, no scriptures, no church leader quotes- nothing. Half way through his talk he mentions that during his time spent in Vietnam every one around him said the "F" word. He's in construction now and everybody says the "F" word so now he says the "F" word all the time too, but his "F" word is "Friend". The meeting is supposed to end at 4:00 but he goes on for another 10 minutes! At the end of his talk he picks up the pink pig, pulls the cord and the pig plays "My Girl"! The whole song! All 3 minutes worth! He then says that that song was his favorite song from the 60's and that he just wanted us to hear it, then he sat down! We all sat there totally stunned and dismayed as to why the Bishop didn't stop him half way through. The other thing we couldn't believe was that we just sat there and didn't get up and leave half way through either! The absolutely worst Sacrament Meeting talk I have ever heard!

[Deathcricket]

Sorry non LDS here.... What's the sacrament meeting? Is that similar to communion in other churchs.. Eat the bread, drink the wine kinda thing?

Anyways, I can just picture the look on everyone's face being stuck going into overtime with a speaker who makes jokes that aren't funny and a message that isn't relevant.

Did this guy finish the sermon off afterwards?

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=6lHHQu4CIos[/youtube]

[James_B_Wads2000]

He then spoke for several minutes about absolutely nothing- just rambling all over the place-

In my experience this describes about 90% of all sacrament meeting talks I have heard.

Pink pig, I never saw one of those. Did the pig

[Iceaxe]

OK.... I've only been to about 10 LDS Sacrament meetings in my life.... but my very first one was by far the best.....

This woman gets up to bare her testimony and confesses to having sex with two different men in the ward, and then names the men. The woman's husband and family were sitting in the meeting. The two men and their families were sitting in the meeting..... and this was the first time any of the families or spouses heard anything about any of this...... The entire audience was held spell bound by the woman's every word.

Now I'm sitting there thinking.... these Sacrament meetings are pretty dang cool, guess I'll have to come more often.

Anyhoo.... I did live in this ward and of course it became a major neighborhood scandal..... I mean really, isn't the whole reason folks go to church is so they can learn to judge?

But one thing I'm still a little confused about.... what does your testimony and admitting an affair have to do with each other?

My biggest disappointment in this entire deal was when I discovered this was not the usual way of Sacrament meetings... that and the woman had no visual aids...

[Don]

This woman gets up to bare her testimony and confesses to having sex with two different men in the ward, and then names the men. The woman's husband and family were sitting in the meeting. The two men and their families were sitting in the meeting..... and this was the first time any of the families or spouses heard anything about any of this...... The entire audience was held spell bound by the woman's every word.

Oh, I would so go back to church for a sunday service like that! Awesome.

I do remember in the early '90s there was a white buffalo born in the midwest and it made the news because of it's rarity and some poor guy stood up to bare his testimony that Jesus would return by the end of the year because the white buffalo was a native american, and thus Lamanite, sign of his coming. I wish he would have been allowed to continue as I'm sure there was comedy gold lurking nearby, but the bishop stopped him and asked him to go wait in his office. That was my favorite part; the bishop made this guy go sit in his office until the end of the meeting.

[trackrunner]

[Sombeech]

jeez. Yeah, I would have just got up, made sure the dude saw me, and walked out. Besides, that's cutting into my nap time.

You gotta love the people who just cry through it too, thanking their spouses, family and friends.

Thanktamonies.

[Redpb]

This woman gets up to bare her testimony and confesses to having sex with two different men in the ward, and then names the men. The woman's husband and family were sitting in the meeting. The two men and their families were sitting in the meeting..... and this was the first time any of the families or spouses heard anything about any of this...... The entire audience was held spell bound by the woman's every word.

Oh, I would so go back to church for a sunday service like that! Awesome.

I do remember in the early '90s there was a white buffalo born in the midwest and it made the news because of it's rarity and some poor guy stood up to bare his testimony that Jesus would return by the end of the year because the white buffalo was a native american, and thus Lamanite, sign of his coming. I wish he would have been allowed to continue as I'm sure there was comedy gold lurking nearby, but the bishop stopped him and asked him to go wait in his office. That was my favorite part; the bishop made this guy go sit in his office until the end of the meeting.

20+ years of sacrament meetings and I never witnessed this good of material. All I got was truck driver Bob who would give his testimony by relating a story. However, he would always go off on a tangent. 8 tangents later, I'm not kidding, he would finish. Always good entertainment but you never knew the ending of any of his 'on the road' stories.

[Iceaxe]

but the bishop stopped him and asked him to go wait in his office. That was my favorite part; the bishop made this guy go sit in his office until the end of the meeting.

The guy actually went and sat in the bishops office.....

[Mooseman70]

OK.... I've only been to about 10 LDS Sacrament meetings in my life.... but my very first one was by far the best.....

This woman gets up to bare her testimony and confesses to having sex with two different men in the ward, and then names the men. The woman's husband and family were sitting in the meeting. The two men and their families were sitting in the meeting..... and this was the first time any of the families or spouses heard anything about any of this...... The entire audience was held spell bound by the woman's every word.

Now I'm sitting there thinking.... these Sacrament meetings are pretty dang cool, guess I'll have to come more often.

Anyhoo.... I did live in this ward and of course it became a major neighborhood scandal..... I mean really, isn't the whole reason folks go to church is so they can learn to judge?

But one thing I'm still a little confused about.... what does your testimony and admitting an affair have to do with each other?

My biggest disappointment in this entire deal was when I discovered this was not the usual way of Sacrament meetings... that and the woman had no visual aids...

Oh, man! Dude, that is friggin' classic!

That's why I call it "Starve and tell your story".

[sparker1]

OK.... I've only been to about 10 LDS Sacrament meetings in my life.... but my very first one was by far the best.....

This woman gets up to bare her testimony and confesses to having sex with two different men in the ward, and then names the men. The woman's husband and family were sitting in the meeting. The two men and their families were sitting in the meeting..... and this was the first time any of the families or spouses heard anything about any of this...... The entire audience was held spell bound by the woman's every word.

Now I'm sitting there thinking.... these Sacrament meetings are pretty dang cool, guess I'll have to come more often.

Anyhoo.... I did live in this ward and of course it became a major neighborhood scandal..... I mean really, isn't the whole reason folks go to church is so they can learn to judge?

But one thing I'm still a little confused about.... what does your testimony and admitting an affair have to do with each other?

My biggest disappointment in this entire deal was when I discovered this was not the usual way of Sacrament meetings... that and the woman had no visual aids...

If you ever needed a pink pig.

[MY T PIMP]

jeez. Yeah, I would have just got up, made sure the dude saw me, and walked out. Besides, that's cutting into my nap time.

You gotta love the people who just cry through it too, thanking their spouses, family and friends.

Thanktamonies.

I've got some words on our sacrement Mtgs growing up; Elnora Heslop, Tracy Rausey, and all the fowers girls. They could of ended our drought with those testimony mtg tears.

I kept thinking "Come over hear and I'll give you something to cry about."

[trackrunner]

Church going overtime, the reason concealed weapons are needed in church.

[accadacca]

That story cracked me up big time tallsteve and everyone else too. Good thread.

[DiscGo]

I have enjoyed most everyone's stories. Bunnies playing song and women confessing to affairs make for a more exciting church.

One of my favorite meeting had a woman talk about how her husband was shooting blanks. It was awesome to see him slide down in his seat and try and hide.

I am with Shane. Would that church were always so interesting.

[trackrunner]

One of my favorite meeting had a woman talk about how her husband was shooting blanks. It was awesome to see him slide down in his seat and try and hide.

. . . oh you mean blanks

[shlingdawg]

Back when I was the church-going kind - I always teased about deducting 1% from my tithes for every minute church went over.

[rockgremlin]

It has always surprised me that the first presidency hasn't put a stop to turning the minutes of the meeting over to the general public. Barely half of the time is the material relevant, let alone spiritual.

I think the church needs a serious overhaul on some issues, starting with fast n testamony meetings...

[shaggy125]

I once saw a kid who had just come home from a mission get up and bear his testimony about this awesome new business opportunity he had come into and how he knew if he worked hard and found others to join under him he would be successful... and on and on about some pyramid scheme. He even went as far as to tell people to talk to him after church if they were interested in hearing more about it .

[Don]

Back when I was the church-going kind - I always teased about deducting 1% from my tithes for every minute church went over.

Awesome. Deducting your time from gods paycheck; I love that!