The Worst Sacrament Meeting Talk I have Ever Heard

[Iceaxe]

One of my favorite meeting had a woman talk about how her husband was shooting blanks. It was awesome to see him slide down in his seat and try and hide.

[tallsteve]

I once saw a kid who had just come home from a mission get up and bear his testimony about this awesome new business opportunity he had come into and how he knew if he worked hard and found others to join under him he would be successful... and on and on about some pyramid scheme. He even went as far as to tell people to talk to him after church if they were interested in hearing more about it .

As the proud parent of a returned missionary I would have been absolutely mortified if my son had done that! I think I have enough guts that I would have walked up to the podium and put a stop to that nonsense. Holy shnikey!

[shaggy125]

As the proud parent of a returned missionary I would have been absolutely mortified if my son had done that! I think I have enough guts that I would have walked up to the podium and put a stop to that nonsense. Holy shnikey!

It was at a singles ward, so no Daddy to take him down, I think the Bishop was just about to pull him off the podium before he sat down on his own.

[moabfool]

This dude knew what he was doing. Pure evil genious As long as he lives in that ward he'll never have to speak in church again. He's probably gotten out of teaching very many classes too. It's too bad you had to live through that torture. You should've given him the tie eye.

I've seen the stuffed animal playing the cheesy song thing at a funeral, but never in church. I know why people were crying, and it wasn't because they were sad.

I had a guy in my ward when I was 12 that got asked to teach the 12 and 13 year-old boys. He really didn't want the job and he had a plan to get out of it. He just dropped the f-bomb his very first week as the teacher and his wish was granted. Not long after that he decided he wanted Sundays off and a 10% raise.

[Mooseman70]

When I first moved to Utah in late 2004, I went to a Sacrament meeting in Orem where my wife's cousin and family were blessing their newborn baby. Since they do that on the same Sunday as testimony meetings are held, I got to sit back and listen for the rest of the meeting.

About half-way through the meeting, a gal in her mid 20's gets up and bears her testimony. She finishes and gets about 3 steps away from the podium when she drops, face first, into the floor with a resounding "THUD". Now, I'm sitting in the very back, and the thud echos throughout the entire chapel. There was a very collective, audible gasp from the congregation, but nobody moved a muscle to help her out.

My wife's Aunt is a nurse, and since I'm first aid trained, we both get up to help out. As we do, a man and woman quickly walk up to where she was laying and sit down in the chairs near her. They are leaning over her, and it looked like giving her aid, so I decided to sit back down. My wife's Aunt continues up to offer her assistance.

After a couple of minutes of this, the Bishop gets up and says that "Sister so-n-so is OK. This happens to her every once in a while, and we'll go ahead and continue with the meeting as scheduled." I couldn't believe it! This gal was still out cold on the floor near the podium and hadn't moved a muscle since she dropped!

The Bishop sits back down and some other congregation members get up and actually STEP OVER this gal to get to the podium to speak! I couldn't believe I was watching this happen!

My wife's Aunt came back to her seat, so I asked her what was wrong with the gal. She said that the man and woman up there with the gal was her Mother and Brother. They told my wife's Aunt that this gal had a "Vagas-nerve disorder" where her brain "reset" itself whenever she got stressed out, thus the reason she passed out and dropped like a rock.

So for the next 20 minutes or so, folks continued to go up to the podium and step over this gal as she was unconcious on the floor. Unbelieveable!

The gal came to just before the closing prayer, but she stayed down on the floor until everyone was pretty much out of the chapel. I stayed to see if she got up or not, which she did, but she looked pretty embarassed as she was helped down off of the stand.

[DiscGo]

TrackRunner-
I liked your blanks post. :D


Mooseman:
I laughed so hard at the visual image of people stepping over that woman. Man that is funny!

[Iceaxe]

"Vagas-nerve disorder" where her brain "reset" itself whenever she got stressed out, thus the reason she passed out and dropped like a rock.

Cool.... A Microsoft Brain.....

Damn you Bill Gates.....

[KillEmAll]

I've got some words on our sacrement Mtgs growing up; Elnora Heslop, Tracy Rausey, and all the fowers girls. They could of ended our drought with those testimony mtg tears.

Pimp, first time Justin took me to church with him as kids it was to fast & testimony and sure enough Elnora let it flow. I honestly thought this was the weirdest church ever. I don't think I went back for a long time after that. I seriously thought that's what went on there every Sunday.

[DiscGo]

I was once in a testimony meeting where a soldier who came back from Afghanistan got up and showed us the receipt for the bullet he bought to kill his ex-wife (for cheating on him) and then told us he met the missionaries that day and they taught him about forgiveness. That woman got lucky!

[Sombeech]

Yeah, I've been to some strange ones away from home. You look around to see what everybody's reaction is, if that's a normal thing there.

[Kent K25]

Ok, so mine may not be as good since none of you know the girl...but you'll get the idea at least.

A little background...this was my friends older sister who has always been the one-upper who has to let you know how and why she is better than you even when it is obvious that she is totally full of it.

So she went on her mission to Russia and for those of you who don't know...when you get home you always speak in your home ward with a high council member and in other wards as well. And it's fairly traditional (at least in my hometown) to bare a SHORT testimony in your mission language at the end. (Something I hate since 99.9% of the people have no clue what you're saying). I didn't do it when I got home, til the bishop asked me to get back up and do it, drove me crazy but I did it.

So this girl is speaking before the high council guy and proceeds to take up the ENTIRE meeting going on and on about how wonderful of a missionary she was. As the minutes were counting down everyone realized there would be no rest hymn before the high council speaker, then time passed and it was obvious that there would be no other speaker besides her...then as she had already gone a couple minutes passed meeting cutoff time she starts to bear her testimony in Russian. No big deal, at least she was finishing up...or so we thought. No exaggeration she spoke in Russian for AT LEAST 10 minutes. I don't want to say 15 or 20 because I don't remember, but it was at least 10 minutes. 10 minutes of most likely no one understanding a single word and you could just see her looking around while she was talking knowing that no one spoke Russian and thinking she was the "stuff."

I wanted so badly to speak Russian to see if she even had a clue what she was saying or was just babbling, because she wasn't a smart girl and Russian is surely a hard language.

It was honestly the first time I've ever seen my parents saying things about a speaker when they finished. They're always positive...but not this time. It was out of control.

[moab mark]

I attended a sacrament meeting in moab a few months ago. There was this young man up on the stand as one of the speakers. He had a 52 oz refillable mountain dew mug under his seat. He kept leaning down taking a drink through out the whole meeting. He thought he was being clever leaning down so no one could see him but everyone could. I couldn't believe the bishop didn't stop him. Then when they were passing the sacrament one of the deacons spilled his bread tray, well he just bent down and scooped all the bread back onto the tray and kept right on passing it. It was quite a experience.
On the tithing issue. I am a Ute fan. I have always stated that I would pay twelve percent instead of ten if none of it would go to byu. Needless to say our bishop who is a cougar fan ain't biting.

[Sombeech]

And it's fairly traditional (at least in my hometown) to bare a SHORT testimony in your mission language at the end.

I started to say mine in a British accent. Yeah, it got some laughs.

[trackrunner]

And it's fairly traditional (at least in my hometown) to bare a SHORT testimony in your mission language at the end.

I started to say mine in a British accent. Yeah, it got some laughs.

My brother went to Ireland where everyone speaks English. But he broke out some Galic (traditional Irish language) phrases he knew about random stuff from soccer to Genuis to church that formed no centence what so ever, but no one knew what he really was saying.

[tallsteve]

Mooseman70, your feinting story reminds me of an incident that happened a few months ago (this is off-topic but, hey, I started this thread!). My son was in the middle of chemo and one day he was home alone and the doorbell rang. He said he went and opened the door and there was an older couple standing there looking for someone that doesn't live here. They obviously had the wrong address. Well, my son promptly feinted (which he was prone to do during chemo) right in front of these old farts. Ryan says he remembers them saying something like, "Lets get out of here- he's probably on drugs!" He's laying on the floor, nearly unconscious, and these two old people don't help, don't lift him back up, don't even stick around to see if he was OK, they just skeedaddle! We'll he was on drugs- lots and lots of drugs, but not the kind of drugs they were thinking of! Sad.

[Mooseman70]

Dang, that's harsh! Good thing the ol' fogies didn't have heart attacks after they watched him pass out!

[Wasatch Rebel]

When I was a kid, this older gentleman got up in Sacrament meeting with some papers in his hand. He proceeded to tell us that he had received a revelation for the Church, and began reading off of these papers he had. Within just a minute or so, the bishop stood up and asked the guy to sit down.

Then there was the time when I was 14 that my friend and I hid in the loft of the Sacrament preparation room, which was up on the stand. In the midst of Sacrament meeting, the door opened, and I could see the bishop looking up at us. Evidently, our loud joking and whisperings could be heard plainly through the thin walls of the attic.

Most recently, a woman in our ward got up during testimony time and proceeded to tell us how she had wanted to have her child vagineally, instead of C-section. She kept on and on about it for about five minutes, emphasizing the portion of the word as "jine" instead of the normal "jin", repeating it over and over again.

[abirken]

WOW! I'm not mormon and I have no idea what a sacrament meeting is (i'm assuming it's like a confession of sorts?), but from the reading in this thread of the topics that are discussed...I may want to consider joining so I could go just for my own entertainment. The above by JIMFLINT is cracking me up right now!!!!!! I feel like I've been missing out after reading thru these.....

[DiscGo]

Sacrament meeting is supposed to be like mass or a general meeting of the congregation, but the first Sunday of the month the meeting is left open for anyone to go up and express their feelings about the Lord and bare testimony of what they believe to be true. It is often more boring than not, but there are a lot of times where people who maybe don't have enough contact at home get up and make things interesting.



Anyway, I can see where it sounds like confession from this thread, and that just makes this extra funny to me.

[Mooseman70]

In my old Ward in So Cal, there was this kookapottamus , Ellie M., who had a pretty bad drug problem. She wasn't active in church by any means, which was a blessing for the most part (i.e. - NOT there to disrupt the meetings), as she was sitting in the Graybar Hotel for months on end.

Every once in a blue moon, Ellie would be released and for whatever reason, it was usually just before the first of the month. We'd have no idea she was out until she'd walk into the chapel in her dirty sweatpants and t-shirt after the meeting was already in session and go straight up to the stand and sit down. There were several other cops in the Ward, and we'd all give each other that look ( ) when she'd appear. The meeting would go from a Fast & Testimony meeting to a "Starve & Tell Your Story" whenever she'd show up.

She'd get up and start babbling about how she was just released from jail, and that she hadn't smoked meth in over 6 months (sobered up from a stint in the clink), how she's gonna do right this time, blah blah blah blah . Why the Bishop never got up and had her sit down? Her elderly parents, sister and brother-in-law attended the same Ward, so maybe that's why.

Prior to me moving my family to that little town, Ellie was impregnated by some unfortunate soul - don't know why, as she was so freakin' ugly she'd make a locomotive take a dirt road - and gave birth to a stillborn baby. The Sheriff's office caught her 30 miles away, 3 days later, pushing her dead baby around town in a stroller.

When we were expecting our first child, Ellie would constantly ask my wife if she could hold our baby once it was born. My wife would try to be nice and say "We'll see!", but when I caught wind of her asking, I said "Sure! Over my dead body!"

Needless to say.... I'm glad I don't live there anymore.