Funny things that customers say

[Sombeech]

accadacca inspired me to start this thread. There's a long, long list of "web specific" customer & client dialogue here: http://tofslie.com/clientquotes.htm

Just 1 favorite so far

A recent client my company got.
Client: "We want a website that can play DVD quality video, but we don't want to use streaming video and the load time must be zero."
Designer: "That's impossible. Everything has a load time. DVD quality runs about 100 megs a minute."
Client: "We'll take our business elsewhere..."

So anyways, what are some of the interesting conversations you've had with some of your customers?

You know you shouldn't try to correct them, or tell them they're wrong. All you can do is talk about them behind their back.

[Iceaxe]

Back when I was racing motorcycles professionally I would often work in one of the local bikes shops during the winter to stop from being bored. So one day a guy walks in and wants to buy an Yamaha FJ1100, at the time this was the fastest bike on the planet and one of the first of the bullet bikes.

So I sell him one and give him the big speech about..... do you know how to ride? This is not a normal motorcycle. It can accelerate to over 100 mph in under 5 seconds..... yada, yada..... The guy would not listen to a word I said, and he told me he knew everything there was to know about motorcycles....

So the guy buys the bike, pulls out of the dealership, nails the throttle and was probably going over 120 mph when some old lady pulled out in front of him....

He was killed and had ridden his new motorcycle less then 1 mile. It was also his birthday.

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

Not sure how this all fits in this thread but thought I'd share that little bit of history with ya.

[Sombeech]

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

"....ummm, so are you gonna by a motorcycle or not, lady?"

[Iceaxe]

I actually ended up making a mint on that FJ1100. Since I was riding for Yamaha I could get parts for the FJ at cost. So I bought the FJ from insurance for almost nothing and put it back together. Sold it for only a couple hundred less then new..... I mean what the hell, it only had one mile on it.

[Jaxx]

I have clients come in and say they never got their bill or since the bill was due on a weekend day they shouldn't pay the late fee. They always end up paying the late fee.

[nefarious]

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

"....ummm, so are you gonna buy a motorcycle or not, lady?"

Oh yeah!

[Scott P]

So anyways, what are some of the interesting conversations you've had with some of your customers?

I work for the Department of Transportation (CDOT). When I travel to Denver, I get lost. Yet people think that since I drive the orange truck that I know where I

[Sombeech]

This is what an anonymous co employee does. We're trying to go as paperless as possible; email, instant messaging, fax right from the computer into email..... you know.

So, some of the old dogs in the plumbing industry won't learn new tricks. (not can't, but won't)
So I'll email pdf files and spreadsheets to the sales staff for certain records. They end up printing them off, stacking them in a mess on their desks, and deleting the email. Only to come back to me next week and ask if I can send it again.

[Sombeech]

Customer - "How much pipe would I need on a new house?"
Me - "How much plumbing will your house have?"
Customer - "I don't know"

[Sombeech]

I was the customer on this one.
I was at a Ben & Jerry's kiosk in San Diego, I forget the location but it's the park just below that huge Hyatt hotel.

So I'm ordering my ice cream cone and the sizes are:

• 1 scoop $$$
  Regular $$$
  2 scoops $$$

I asked the same question that apparently everybody was asking all day long. "How big is the regular?"
The girl was so tired of this question that she started talking to her coworker loud enough that I could hear. "People ask all day how big it is, I mean, isn't it common sense?"
Me - "Isn't 'common' sense determined by the general public? It doesn't seem like common sense if everybody is asking you about it."
I got my cone as she continued to justify her position, like she thought of the whole concept. I walked away, pretending not to pay attention as her voice got louder and louder.

[Sombeech]

Sorry, must keep going.

Co-worker (speaking over cubicle partition) - Justin! This box keeps popping up on my screen everyday! Get rid of it!
Me - What does it say?
Co-worker - I don't know. I just close it as soon as it comes up.

[Jaxx]

old lady I work with "Will you get a picture off the email for me. I don't know how."
me "I showed you how to do it an hour ago"
lady "but I'm too stupid to figure it out"
me "I know you are"
lady "I should quit but I like making life miserable for you"
me "HATE YOU!"

ok 90% of that was made up. The first two lines are true, the rest are daydreams I often have.

[Sombeech]

"Justin, my email isn't working"
"What's happening?"
"It's not sending my email out"
"Is it displaying an error message?"
"No, it's just sitting in my Outbox and not sending"
"What's the size of the email?"
"561 MB"
"I assume you're emailing that Garth Brooks album, again"
"Yeah, but it let me attach all of the songs."

[DiscGo]

old lady I work with "Will you get a picture off the email for me. I don't know how."
me "I showed you how to do it an hour ago"
lady "but I'm too stupid to figure it out"
me "I know you are"
lady "I should quit but I like making life miserable for you"
me "HATE YOU!"

ok 90% of that was made up. The first two lines are true, the rest are daydreams I often have.

[Iceaxe]

Before my wife was a hot young stripper wife she worked for Providian.... which if you don't know is a company that issues credit cards at outrageous interest rates to those who should not be allowed to touch a credit card.....

Customer: "What do you mean I still owe $5000? I canceled that credit card when it hit the $5000 limit"
HYSW: "Yes, but you still owe the $5000 you charged"
Cusomter: " Did'nt you hear me? I don't owe anything because I canceled the card when it hit the limit."

My hot young stripper wife has a couple hundred of similar exchanges.....

[Joe Gardner]

I was at some fast food joint a few years ago. One of those places that sales only Medium, Large and XL drink sizes, no small.

Lady in front of me: "How big is your Medium drink?"
Guy behind counter: "Its about the size of a small."
Lady: "Can I just get a small then?"
Guy: "We don't have small, you can buy a Large, its only ten cents more then a medium"
I zoned out after that... I think the lady ended up with a Med, but loudly bitched about how she would only fill it up half way, so she should only be charged for a small.



Another time, I was working at a mail store, like Mail Boxes Etc, but not.

FedEx made a daily pickup at 4:45pm, some rich guy came running in as the FedEx guy was making his last trip out to the truck. I ask the FedEx guy to hang on for a few while I finish up the paperwork needed for the customers over night letter.

I just needed to sign my name and write in our account number on the packaging slip, so I picked up the same pen the guy used to fill out his part of the slip.

Guy: "That pen is worth more then you are."
Me: "F*ck you"

I tossed his pen back at him, let the fedex guy drive off, used a bic to sign the paperwork and told him it would go out tomorrow at 4:45pm. I felt good about it :)

About a month later I found out that the same guy crashed his Porsche on I-15 and killed a young mother, I think he is still in prison... he was an ass.

[DiscGo]

About a month later I found out that the same guy crashed his Porsche on I-15 and killed a young mother, I think he is still in prison... he was an ass.

Is that whole thing true?

[HEADHUNTER]

I could write a book. I'm a help desk analyst for the federal government - that alone should tell you what I'm up against.

We get people all day long who have many, many issues....

Here's one help desk ticket we received:

NEED MY LAST NAMED CHANGED FROM ROBERTS TO ATWOOD, I'M
GETTING CONFUSED WHEN I SIGN ON TO XXXX, IT IS VERY HARD TO KEEP UP WITH DIFFERENT PASSWORDS LET ALONE TRYING TO MATCH NAMES

I assume she got married, but she didn't really explain it - maybe she just likes the name Atwood? dunno.


Oh and here's one more - a little bit of history. We have padlocks that the folks with laptops use so they can secure the laptop to the furniture so they don't have to undock it and lock it in a drawer. A lot of folks work from home...like this genius:

Since I can't attach the base plate to the furniture at the office can it be used when I work at home if attached to heavy or built in furniture or attached to a wall stud?

Apparently theft runs high at her house


I also was an HR Director for a software consulting firm and a gentleman we were making an offer to demanded that we provide him with stock. But he only wanted one share - and he was very insistent upon it. The stock only traded at about $3/share. I told him he was better off letting me buy him lunch.

[Joe Gardner]

Yeah, happened in '94 or 95 at the point of the mtn. I am sketchy on the accident details, I know he lived and the lady in the other car did not.

[DiscGo]

That is crazy!