Offensive to everyone (don't say I didn't warn you!)
Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
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Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says " that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
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My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
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I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great.
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
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After the tsunami an Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan on the damaged nuclear plant.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
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Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
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A man approaches a young good looking woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
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Following the recent Earthquake the Chinese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!
