A collection of odds & ends.

"We may need to keep doctors out of schools and churches"

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year = 1500
Accidental deaths per gun owner = 0.000018
Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor.



"Congress Statistics"

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?


*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly/indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Do you know which organization we're talking about?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.


"The Loving Wife "

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.



"15 Things I Have Learned in Life "

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.

4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

9. If a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.
11. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
12. No matter what happens, somebody will take it way too seriously.

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

14. Your friends love you, anyway.
15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
"Something that a Friend Sent to Me "

MAY I ADD: IT SUCKS WHEN MAKING A LIVING GETS IN THE WAY OF LIVING.



Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.



"Fractured Christmas Carols "

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:


Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kinds of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice
Noel. Noel. Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
Come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid







"You know you are from California when...... "

Are you a California transplant to Utah? Well, here's how you we tell you are from California!

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2005."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.