All the cheaters out there say "HO!" -long-

[ilanimaka]

Please excuse me while I rant before asking your opinions...

Ok, so my wife of less than 7 months and I have been having issues. Almost from the day we got married, she'd get upset about something REALLY stupid (eg - I parked in her parking spot; I left her car door unlocked while it's in the garage; I took advantage of the dental insurance that she provides for me without her express permission; I put gas in my car but not hers; etc.) and would say things like, "You are just showing me how little you care about me," "What are you, retarded/stupid/incompetent," "I can't be married to somebody like you," "If you loved me, you wouldn't ________," "If things don't change, I'm out of here. I don't need you." The list goes on and on. I'm the peacekeeper in the couple, and things usually just roll off my back. I say I'm sorry for whatever I did to piss her off and try to move on.

Then I started losing my temper. I started biting back when she'd snap at me. I had caught her many times (though I always let it slide and didn't point it out) lying to me about her personal finances. This shouldn't have been an issue because we had an agreement. Her money is her money, and my money is my money. But she was always asking me for money, even when I knew she had $3 or 4K in her bank account. Then when I WOULD finally point it out, she'd crawl down my throat for harassing her. Anyways, I started to lose my temper (which I didn't used to do) and then I'd feel bad about it and do whatever I had to do to smooth things over. I've lost track of the number of flowers, gifts, love notes, etc. that I went through during these times.

Then she started talking about how I must not care about her wants and needs whenever I'd talk about taking custody of my 3 kids to add them to her 2. She'd talk about how they were better off with their mom; how she needed her weekends to be free to do what she wanted; how she valued her sleep and freedom so much that she gave up her youngest daughter for adoption to protect it. She will say these things one minute, yet complain about what a crappy parent my ex-wife is (and she is too.) What's even more, she knows that there's a big part of me that wants out of Utah - that I miss my family (I've always been really close to my parents & siblings) to the point of depression sometimes. She knows these things, and we even agreed before we got married that one of these days (sooner than later) we'd be moving back to Kansas, yet when the subject ever comes up, she tells me that I'm tearing her away from HER family (depending on the day, she loves some of them or hates them all) and that I'm free to go, but she's never leaving Utah.

In spite of this, I'm a giving person and have always picked up the slack for her. I've paid her bills; I covered the entire rent since last October though she promised she would cover half; I gave her money whenever she would go to Wendover and lose so much money she didn't have enough to cover her bills; I sold some of my most prized possessions (Baby Desert Eagle, Decked out AR-15, Winchester 1300 Defender; Winchester '94 Trapper in .44 Magnum) so she could get the engagement ring she always dreamed of (http://www.samuelsjewelers.com/media/700/101034932.jpg); I agreed to let her stay at home instead of work so she can fulfill her dream of becoming a nurse like her deceased mother; I even payed for her sister's bridal shower and half of the cost for 2 tickets to Maui for her sister's honeymoon because SHE promised her sister she would, though she didn't have the funds to do so. The point is: Me = Good Hubby.

Now that you have some background, here's what's going on now. In March, I had some much needed dental work done. I had 2 cavities that I had neglected for years and they were quite painful. Anyways, I had them filled and told her about it before filing a claim with her dental insurance. She got mad at me, saying that I was being selfish for using MY money to get MY dental work done when her daughter needs some too... Not that anybody ever told ME that. So, she says that I am forbidden to use HER dental plan to fix MY teeth. After a while I get the bill and it went from $150 to $550 because of the initial visits & x-rays. I thought about it long and hard and decided to go ahead and use the dental plan anyways for this one time and then I wouldn't use it any more. Well, they sent her a letter saying that the claim was filed and she went absolutely ballistic saying that I went behind her back; that it was tantamount to cheating on her. She then goes on to say that she's going to pursue other relationships now. I lost my temper and told her how as far as I was concerned, her staying in touch with a couple of her ex-'s was closer to infidelity than my using the insurance I had access to with or without her "permission." She started making threats and telling me I better stop talking to her like that. I retorted by telling her that I saw this whole thing ending tonight anyways, so I didn't care WHO she fncked.

I went downstairs to fume and let it marinate and she hopped in her car and left for 2 or 3 hours. I convinced that she went out and cheated on me with one of her ex-'s who has always vied for her affections. I'm planning on moving out before the end of May, but I'd like to hear your opinions on things.

BTW, she's the one who always kept me from making it to the Sushi gatherings or even the Moab weekend. Her jealousy of other women is ridiculous.

Sorry this is so long. Had to get it off my chest...

[Sombeech]

http://softeuropean.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/slap.jpg

[Sombeech]

But seriously, sorry to hear that. I hate to say it, but there's always a hidden reason for behavior like hers.

[DiscGo]

That is so tough man. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'll offer my opinion but this is one of those things that plays so close to the heart that I realize that there is a good chance of offending you but I assure you that is not my intention. Here it goes:

I was very VERY unhappily married for about the first 2 years of my marriage. I was always with my wife but I had never felt so lonely and people getting divorced made a lot more sense to me during that time then it ever did before I got married. Things for me and my wife turned around when we started camping again and doing the things we did when we were single, and I am now very happily married. As I was reading through your posts I was thinking about how typical your situation is when being so recently married until I saw this line:






...She valued her sleep and freedom so much that she gave up her youngest daughter for adoption to protect it.

I don't know how else to say it, so here it goes: If that really is why she gave up a daughter for adoption, then she is not somebody you want to have assisting in raising your kids.


I'll bet if we heard her side of things it would probably be more balanced but only hearing your side it sounds as though she is a user and I am impressed you have hung in there this long.


If you guys do get things worked out, please forgive me for saying anything but that does not sound like a healthy relationship. Sorry Bro. Good luck!

[IntrepidXJ]

Based on the first paragraph alone....I would have been out of there much sooner.

Life's too short to not enjoy it...

[Scott Card]

"You are just showing me how little you care about me," "What are you, retarded/stupid/incompetent," "I can't be married to somebody like you," "If you loved me, you wouldn't ________," "If things don't change, I'm out of here. I don't need you."

Then she started talking about how I must not care about her wants and needs . . . . . .

Ahhh, the "my wants and needs are not being met" statement. What do people expect when they get married? A servant? When ever I hear comments like this I see red flags all over the place.

I also ask my clients what the other party would say about them if I were to ask. What would she say about you?

Marriage is a two way street with two people giving 100% to the marriage relationship. It will never work when one gives and the other does not. The problem is when you look at it that way, selfishness starts to creep in. But in this situation, I see immaturity all over the place. Also, with separate bank accounts, what is the deal? I know many do that but I have never really figured out why. You trust them with your kids, you, your health but not your money? :ne_nau: What are you hanging on to? In Utah, it doesn't matter a lick if you have separate bank accounts unless you have an inheritance in it and it is never comingled. Put wages in? Joint property. Pay bills with, joint propery..... Oh well, job security......

[Alex]

Due to your description, and to such a short marriage you could probably get an annulment now.

All that happen in 7 months is not normal in my opinion. Marriage is about the needs of the OTHER person, not your own needs and wants. That comes after long years of being together and it is given as a gift from one to another.

I am sorry bud, you can bring a horse to water, but it's hard to make a horse drink. Get out, raise your kids and then you will be a free man to enjoy your own life and don't have to put up with someone else's problems (aka her daughter's dental, sister's bridal shower and honeymoon, etc).

Sorry to hear again.

[Sombeech]

Yeah, the seperate bank accounts thing is a big sign too.

You guys have to decide if you want it to be a marriage, or just two adults with kids living in the same house. Right now, it's closer to the latter.

These things probably aren't always necessary for a successful marriage, but they are helpful:
joint bank account
joint insurance
joint cell phone plan
sharing of email passwords - all passwords to be exact
there should be nothing to hide in a marriage.

Granted, sometimes I don't live up to my end of the bargain, and I see the consequences.

[kaptain]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

[Deathcricket]

Dude she's totally right. You need to pay for everything, go no where, do nothing, and attend her every need. In fact I'm surprised you haven't quit your job so you can attend to her 24/7. She should have to do absolutely nothing, except ring a bell when she needs your services. Don't make her ring that bell 2x though or your ass is grass. How dare you try and add your kids to hers and make a cohesive happy family! Seeing your kids more often would make you and your kids happy not her. You see, she is the center of the universe and you must bend your will to hers. Your needs and your kids needs, are now irrelevant. Before you do anything, you need to ask yourself "would this make my woman happy?" If the answer is no, then simply don't do it.

Granted she will never actually BE happy. But you need to spend the rest of your life in pursuit of her dream. Once you stop thinking and just become a mindless slave, you'll find these thoughts about having a happy family will disappear and you won't miss it.

Seriously though, you know the answer to what you're asking. Do you really need vindication here? I think perhaps you're just worried about being alone. It happens to us all man. Now grow a sack and do what you know you gotta do! And this is coming from a pansy ass who grows roses and loves it!

[Sombeech]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

How's your insurance?

[accadacca]

And this is coming from a pansy ass who grows roses and loves it!
:lol8:

[ilanimaka]

She's said many times that it's me and my ability to keep the peace that holds our relationship together. Who wants that on their shoulders. I don't want to be the only one capable of keeping us together. Also, whenever I've stood my ground and demanded an apology, she says something to the affect that I can't beat her when it comes to being stubborn and that she will let our marriage fail rather than back down.

The more I read my own writing, the more I wonder what took me so long to get out.

If you were to ask her about me, she'd say things like, "He's always doing stupid sh!t," and then relate something about how I get forgetful about things like switching the laundry over. Or maybe she'd say, "He treats me so cr@ppy compared to how he treated me when we were dating." Well, yeah. There's only so long I can give 100% when the other person is constantly wanting more and disregarding what I want.

[kaptain]

So you are saying she puts out?

Can I get her phone number?

How's your insurance?

I don't want to marry her. I just want to be the 'other guy' who is getting the hot freaky sex with NSA.

[Sombeech]

I don't want to marry her. I just want to be the 'other guy' who is getting the hot freaky sex with NSA.

Yeouch... OK, disclaimer for ilanimaka.... Sorry to have fun with your current situation. We know it's definitely now a fun situation to be in.

[Jaxx]

Couple of options.

1. Counseling
2. Divorce, hopefully and annulment

That is all I can come up with. You are in the situation. I feel like you know what you need to do but it is a huge step. Have you talked with her about counseling yet? Mabey that would help her see how selfish she has been and appreciate you more. Good luck, sorry your in that situation.

edit:
WOW
http://www.samuelsjewelers.com/media/700/101034932.jpg

[Alex]

Give this to your wife:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/B0018ZRQX0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241557629&sr=8-1

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31GLCcn%2BqvL._SL500_AA212_.jpg

If she throws it out of the window, you got your answer. :nod:

[Bad Karma]

Give this to your wife:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/B0018ZRQX0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241557629&sr=8-1

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31GLCcn%2BqvL._SL500_AA212_.jpg

If she throws it out of the window, you got your answer. :nod:

This is why I LOVE this forum...it always picks me up when I've had a bad day! :rockon:

[kaptain]

Ditch the bitch.

My first love was a liar, a slut & a back stabber. I can't believe I dated her for 2 years. When I look back at least she taught me what to look for in a woman, a woman that is the complete opposite of her.

:blahblah:

[blueeyes]

Seriously... it sounds like she has mental issues.

Cut your losses, I am sorry any women who would give up her own child for more sleep is a selfish bitch.

If you really want to save this marriage you both need to see a counsler, she may need medication. Her actions are not rationale (even for a women).

I loved my DH and he was a good man, but there were some very important key issues that happened during the 8 months we dated and with in the first year we were married, that if I would have just listened to my own gut feeling or not been so stubborn in holding it together it would have saved both of us a huge amount of pain and suffering. Then again I wouldn't have my children.

[DiscGo]

I'm with BlueEyes. Therapy sounds like a good option normally for struggling marriages but it really sounds like this marriage is not something in your best interest to save.

[Don]

...she may need medication. Her actions are not rationale (even for a women).


:roflol: LOLZ. Nice.


And my advice: Bogley is not the place for relationship advice!!! :haha:



:popcorn:

[kaptain]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

[ilanimaka]

She has mental issues and I accepted her for them. After we'd been together for a while, I found out that she's one of those people who wants to throw medicine at the slightest symptom of any sort of illness, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.

I appreciate everybody here chiming in (and I know this isn't the ideal place to look for advice, but I do consider the majority of people on here friends) and for me, this is the end. I can forgive just about anything, but cheating is NEVER forgivable by me.

I've already got some leads on a place to stay. I just need to find a place I can bring my dog with me. Elsewise somebody on here may get a fantastic deal on my pup, though it would break my heart.

[bbennett]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[ilanimaka]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

Hitting a woman is like cheating. Once you hit a woman or cheat, you're always classified as somebody who is capable of doing such things. I've wanted to hit a woman once or twice, but was raised better. I'll leave that for some other woman to do.

Now spitting in her pepsi... :haha:

[DiscGo]

Wow Kaptain! You have said some wildly inappropriate things in this thread :)

[Scott Card]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

Hitting a woman is like cheating. Once you hit a woman or cheat, you're always classified as somebody who is capable of doing such things. I've wanted to hit a woman once or twice, but was raised better. I'll leave that for some other woman to do.

Now spitting in her pepsi... :haha:Don't hit, push, shove or do anything like it or threaten to do anything like it. She will file a protective order and there go the gun rights, hunting, .....blah blah... etc. Bad idea and I am glad that is not in the plan.

[R]

Even if you were willing to put up with a ton of crap, you don't want to bring your kids into a relationship with a ton of crap. I think the chorus has sung, though, and it is singing that you should get out.

[Don]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:


Wow Kaptain! You have said some wildly inappropriate things in this thread :)


:roflol:


:popcorn:

[uintahiker]

Looks like you're not in a happy place! There's some good info here- joint bank accounts, no passwords, etc.

I'd also say that she definitely needs an attitude ajustment, and you might as well. If you're in a marriage where one or both of you ask "What can my spouse do for me?" you'll definitely wonder why you're there. If you both ask what you can do to make the other happy you're a lucky man! I've gotta say that I'm a lucky man!

:amazon:
I'm not askin, but you'd know- is she on birth control? If so, FYI- B.C. has made more than a few women crazy!

[DiscGo]

I'm not askin, but you'd know- is she on birth control? If so, FYI- B.C. has made more than a few women crazy!

That is actually a great question. Everyone I know who has taken birth control has been crazy while taking it.

[ilanimaka]

Looks like you're not in a happy place! There's some good info here- joint bank accounts, no passwords, etc.

I'd also say that she definitely needs an attitude ajustment, and you might as well. If you're in a marriage where one or both of you ask "What can my spouse do for me?" you'll definitely wonder why you're there. If you both ask what you can do to make the other happy you're a lucky man! I've gotta say that I'm a lucky man!

:amazon:
I'm not askin, but you'd know- is she on birth control? If so, FYI- B.C. has made more than a few women crazy!

I went into this relationship (and told her what I expected from her) with the belief that if I focus on making her happy and she focuses on making me happy then we'd have a great relationship. As long as she's not upset, things tend to be fine and I give everything I have to the marriage, though I've never felt she contributed much. She gets upset once and every single thing I've done for her is flushed and we play the "remember all the things you've done wrong" game. It's when this happens that I start to ask why I'm the only one contributing.

As for BC, she is against the use of hormones for BC. I just used a condom.

[R]

If I may interject an element of philosophy into this discussion: I think it's a serious mistake to think you can make someone else happy. You can do things for each other and care about each other, but each person must, in the end, be responsible for his/her own happiness. That, I believe, is at the core of genuinely happy, healthy relationships. I also believe that is what Abby and I have.

[James_B_Wads2000]

If what you say is the truth then it looks like you have allowed her to treat you like a doormat. If you are always bending to her will and allowing her to go beyond the boundaries, then after awhile she will expect it and then she will demand it. It sounds like to me that you didn

[Deuce]

If I may interject an element of philosophy into this discussion: I think it's a serious mistake to think you can make someone else happy. You can do things for each other and care about each other, but each person must, in the end, be responsible for his/her own happiness. That, I believe, is at the core of genuinely happy, healthy relationships.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner...........

[uintahiker]

Speaking of chicken dinner...

http://www.unthinkfc.com/

Free chicken dinner that is. :rockon:

[canyonphile]

I think it's a serious mistake to think you can make someone else happy. You can do things for each other and care about each other, but each person must, in the end, be responsible for his/her own happiness.
YES, this!

What couples do is augment or build on an existing "happy" foundation of each individual. If the foundation isn't there on both sides, the relationship will crumble...sooner or later.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in this situation, ilanimaka. It sounds like your wife has huge insecurities that she either hid well prior to the marriage or perhaps you maybe just didn't notice the red flags at the time. No shame in that; it happens to lots of people, particularly those that want to believe the best in people and are trusting (or, like myself, were inexperienced and a bit naive). I have to agree w/ what others have said about her frightening irresponsibility as a parent - getting rid of a child because she wants more sleep :eek2: :nono:!

At any rate, her behavior rates as some of the most selfish I've heard of in a long time. Marriage (or any committed relationship, for that matter) is about trust, respect, compromise at times, and thinking of someone besides yourself. It doesn't sound like she's mature enough to be in a committed relationship, let alone a marriage.

You sound like a really mature and responsible, considerate guy who has gone above and beyond the call of duty for this relationship. I hope you can get out of this poisonous marriage - maybe an annulment will work? And I'm sure you know that not all women are crazy bitches that cheat, lie and are jealous and just downright mean.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that this works out as quickly and painlessly as possible.

-SJ

[Reedus]

I would LOVE to hear the "other side of the story". No offense ilanimaka, but in my life experiences, there is ALWAYS another side to the story. That being said, I am just thankful i lucked out on my choice in a spouse. Brittney is the most laid back, hardest to offend woman I have ever met. And to boot, she doesn't spend money. She isn't much of an outdoorsy person, but then how would I get out with the boys and cuss around the campfire?

[James_B_Wads2000]

Brittney is the most laid back, hardest to offend woman I have ever met.

This sounds like a challenge, but I think I am up to it. :haha:

J/K I mean no offence to you or your beautiful wife. :hail2thechief:



James

[Reedus]

Brittney is the most laid back, hardest to offend woman I have ever met.

This sounds like a challenge, but I think I am up to it. :haha:

J/K I mean no offence to you or your beautiful wife. :hail2thechief:



James

I guess I take that back...she is sensitve, so if you call her a dirty slut bag, she is going to cry and be offended. But if you forget say..an anniversary, she doesn't get all hyped up about it and pissy.

[denaliguide]

get out now. get very far away. don't go back. no matter how good the freaky sex is.

or, you could just shoot yourself. that is if you hadn't sold your guns.

[Bad Karma]

get out now. get very far away. don't go back. no matter how good the freaky sex is.

or, you could just shoot yourself. that is if you hadn't sold your guns.

My brother works at a gun store and could get you a good deal there, but don't shoot yourself.... :nono:

there's much better scum out there to waste bullets on.... :nod:

[KapitanSparrow]

Have you tried hitting her?


:popcorn:

Hitting a woman is like cheating. Once you hit a woman or cheat, you're always classified as somebody who is capable of doing such things. I've wanted to hit a woman once or twice, but was raised better. I'll leave that for some other woman to do.

Now spitting in her pepsi... :haha:Don't hit, push, shove or do anything like it or threaten to do anything like it. She will file a protective order and there go the gun rights, hunting, .....blah blah... etc. Bad idea and I am glad that is not in the plan.

I'm no lawyer but I agree with Scott - hitting women is not right or smart. But do beat the leaving crap out of her ex-boyfriend just in case she did go back and cheated on you with him.

Sorry for your situation bro, but remember that half the f-ing world is made up of women :naughty:

[CarpeyBiggs]

And my advice: Bogley is not the place for relationship advice!!!

well said don. :2thumbs:

the most reasonable advice in this thread...

[kaptain]

Wow Kaptain! You have said some wildly inappropriate things in this thread :)

Ya think? :ne_nau:

I just wanted to point out that if a woman is mentally unbalanced feeding her wedding cake will not fix the problem. :haha:

:popcorn:

[DiscGo]

And my advice: Bogley is not the place for relationship advice!!!

well said don. :2thumbs:

I can see what you guys are saying but I believe it makes perfect sense to ask a group of strangers that you like. Strangers are often able to be brutally honest where friends and family are often worried about offending so they hold their tongues. Anyway, to each their own but I think there is nothing wrong with throwing something like this out there.

[ilanimaka]

I have to say that I'm very glad that I posted this here. Whether it was people asking about her side of the story, saying to get out, to see a counselor, and the general support from most folks as a whole, it was all helpful.

We had a no-holds-bar discussion over what happened now and in the past and after she was able to prove to me, beyond all possible doubt, that she didn't cheat on me, we have come to an understanding. We're not sure if things can hold together but neither of us is going to make a final decision right now. Instead, we're taking a break from each other. I'm living downstairs, while she lives upstairs. We'll still talk, but spend our time apart and decide if it's worth it to us to try and work it out and move on.

She says she can't trust me, since I went behind her back and filed the insurance claim after she expressly said no, and I said I don't trust her due to the lies I've caught her in. When we do talk about it again, if we decide to try and make it work, I'm going to demand that we get a joint bank account, where all monies go. Then once the joint bills are paid out, the remainder is split in half and our personal bills are paid out of that. If there's not enough, then she needs to make changes to her spending habits (I try to have as few bills as possible so I can pay cash for toys). The other thing that will have to happen is we'll have to start going to regular couples counseling sessions.

Again, thanks to everybody for their input. DiscGo is right. It's easier to talk to strangers you like through a forum than to talk to family friends. I still haven't told my family/friends what's going on, mostly because I don't know the final result of things. If we decide to work it out, then I don't want my family to have a skewed view of my wife. If we go our separate ways, then I'll spill the beans.

Drama drama drama :popcorn: :eek2: :blahblah: :ne_nau:

[blueeyes]

Only problem here is you are leagally married to her, on her insurance you have the right to use that insurance no matter what she says. Again irrationale thinking on her part. If the tables were turned and it was her needing to use the insurance.....

At any rate I do applaude you for trying to work it out. This is not the easiest thing in the world to do. But remember it takes both people at the same time trying 100% to make it work.

[fourtycal]

I sold some of my most prized possessions (Baby Desert Eagle, Decked out AR-15, Winchester 1300 Defender; Winchester '94 Trapper in .44 Magnum

I teared up a little when I read this.
Sorry to hear your trouble and I hope it gets better for you.


if we decide to try and make it work, I'm going to demand that we get a joint bank account

Joint accounts are not for everyone (despite what several here have said) I am living proof that seperate accounts are necessary for some. We split our money instead of our marriage nearly 18 years ago and it has worked great! Nothing to hide from each other but she handles hers, I handle mine and any money tension is highly diminished.

Good luck man :2thumbs:

[jman]

Hey I've been in almost every situation, except the marriage deal. But everything else yes. And it seems like I could relate to the things that you were saying. I was engaged to a girl for 8months and just called it off for the same reasons (but she couldn't get over her ex boyfriend of 2years over 2years ago) and I have to say after a month gone by - I feel much happier, more liberated, and more importantly, more myself. Believe me - you will thank yourself later, and more importantly with that too - your kids will thank you too.

[Iceaxe]

http://bogley.com/forum/files/china.gif

[rockgremlin]

I just wanted to say that I have LOL'ed at almost every single post Kaptain has dropped in this thread. Sure it's crude, but I'm sure he means well. :haha: