Funny Craigslist ad (work safe!)

[Shan]

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
Reply to: sale-926508578@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST


OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

http://images.craigslist.org/1fc13a1423k63m63ob8bj538b8a40e61d11f0.jpg

http://images.craigslist.org/1f41gb1403n33mc3lf8bje9402dc23af91be3.jpg

http://images.craigslist.org/1f61g91483nc3k13l48bjac3b8a1872801f12.jpg

* Location: Ronan / Lake County
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 926508578

[Don]

All very funny, but I didn't laugh out loud until I saw the picture of the hammer-pants. :roflol:

[Jaxx]

hammer pants sealed the deal for me. I'm sold!

[Shan]

Ha! Well I laughed all the way through!

[LOAH]

:lol8:

Abercrombie...Prius...Coldplay...


:roflol:

[canyonphile]

Ha! Well I laughed all the way through!
Me too! :lol8: That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time - thanks for sharing!

-SJ

[moabfool]

Too bad the X-Terra is a girl car. Only seats five? Dude, grow a pair. It'll maybe fit two people and 1/3 of the crap necessary for a decent trip. Buy an American pickup. You'll have more power, more cargo room, more seating, and you'll get better gas mileage. Oh yah, and you'll look like a man. If you must drive a foreign SUV get a 4-Runner.

[rockgremlin]

Too bad the X-Terra is a girl car. Only seats five? Dude, grow a pair. It'll maybe fit two people and 1/3 of the crap necessary for a decent trip. Buy an American pickup. You'll have more power, more cargo room, more seating, and you'll get better gas mileage. Oh yah, and you'll look like a man. If you must drive a foreign SUV get a 4-Runner.

:roflol: "Buy American"

Better hurry. They'll be bankrupt by the end of the week. :lol8:

[kris]

Too bad the X-Terra is a girl car. Only seats five? Dude, grow a pair. It'll maybe fit two people and 1/3 of the crap necessary for a decent trip. Buy an American pickup. You'll have more power, more cargo room, more seating, and you'll get better gas mileage. Oh yah, and you'll look like a man. If you must drive a foreign SUV get a 4-Runner.


4Runner's are as lame as they get. Please, show me an american pickup that will get better gas mileage, consistently, and still be able to wheel off road. Show me real numbers, not EPA suggested.

[shlingdawg]

You guys are missing the point.

This one hauls NINJAS!!!!!

:roflol:

I appreciate a creatively written anything. Well done. :2thumbs:

[rockgremlin]

You guys are missing the point.

This one hauls NINJAS!!!!!

:roflol:

I appreciate a creatively written anything. Well done. :2thumbs:


I agree. Hilarious article.

For other great craigslist reads, check this out: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/ :2thumbs:

[Iceaxe]

Candyass foreign SUV/truck.... :roflol:

Nothing beat good ol' American cubic inches.... :2thumbs:

This is what 500 horsepower and 525 lb.-ft. of torque looks like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D6IBSbK4I8

And don't think for a second it's only the American car manufactures who are sweating bullets right now

[moabfool]

Too bad the X-Terra is a girl car. Only seats five? Dude, grow a pair. It'll maybe fit two people and 1/3 of the crap necessary for a decent trip. Buy an American pickup. You'll have more power, more cargo room, more seating, and you'll get better gas mileage. Oh yah, and you'll look like a man. If you must drive a foreign SUV get a 4-Runner.


4Runner's are as lame as they get. Please, show me an american pickup that will get better gas mileage, consistently, and still be able to wheel off road. Show me real numbers, not EPA suggested.

Uh, just about every one of them. My sister's Yukon XL gets 22 miles per gallon plus, seats 8, and it has a 6 liter engine. My buddy's Silverado with a 350 gets 20 MPG, and it can haul 6 people and all their stuff. Can an X-Terra do that? Not even close. Add the big gas tanks American trucks have and their range is hard to beat.

Don't even say American trucks can't "wheel." When the new-style Dodge Ram came out there were a bunch of owners at a mud bog competition. Profesional mud bog rigs were getting stuck. The Ram owners decided to give the mud a try with their shiny new trucks. Every single truck made it except for one, and it made it after they took off the snow plow mount. Besides that, American trucks come with a real low-range. You have to put double transfer cases on the rice burners before they'll do what the wheat wagons can do stock. Ask me now I know. Hint: it has something to do with nearly burning up the clutch on some girl's Nissan because the low range wasn't low enough to crawl.

265 Horse Power? LOL! The 5.3 liter Chevy puts out 310 ponies, normally aspirated, and GM sells two engines bigger than that. That's not counting diesels. Add flowmasters, dual mandrel-bent pipes, and a chip upgrade ane you're pushing 350 horses. What's even better is the boost in fuel economy that goes along with that boost in power. All hail the cat back.

Can an X-Terra tow 10,000 lbs? Not even close. Nearly every American truck can. Can you haul dirt in the back of an X-Terra? Yes, but it'll never come out of the carpet. Dump runs in the X-Terra require a trailer. The X-Terra is nothing but a status symbol. It says "I'm maybe a 1/2 notch cooler than people who drive Subaru Foresters. Even though I won't drive a Forester I still like ugly vehicles & I'm outdoorsy, but I don't hug that many trees."

Okay, I'll admit that the X-Terra is a good trailhead car and a decent rough-track vehicle. It seems good for getting a few people to a remote campsite if they're careful about what gear they take, but I'd hesitate taking it somewhere that requires a "real 4-wheel drive."

Look at the Toyota Tacoma as an alternate to the X-Terra. My friend Gina has one and I've been very impressed. It's too small for me, but it's great for what she does with it. In a pinch it can seat six for an hour or so in reasonable comfort, and there's no shortage of cargo space. Five people can always sit comfortably.