Funny things that customers say

[Sombeech]

accadacca inspired me to start this thread. There's a long, long list of "web specific" customer & client dialogue here: http://tofslie.com/clientquotes.htm

Just 1 favorite so far

A recent client my company got.
Client: "We want a website that can play DVD quality video, but we don't want to use streaming video and the load time must be zero."
Designer: "That's impossible. Everything has a load time. DVD quality runs about 100 megs a minute."
Client: "We'll take our business elsewhere..."

So anyways, what are some of the interesting conversations you've had with some of your customers?

You know you shouldn't try to correct them, or tell them they're wrong. All you can do is talk about them behind their back. :2thumbs:

[Iceaxe]

Back when I was racing motorcycles professionally I would often work in one of the local bikes shops during the winter to stop from being bored. So one day a guy walks in and wants to buy an Yamaha FJ1100, at the time this was the fastest bike on the planet and one of the first of the bullet bikes.

So I sell him one and give him the big speech about..... do you know how to ride? This is not a normal motorcycle. It can accelerate to over 100 mph in under 5 seconds..... yada, yada..... The guy would not listen to a word I said, and he told me he knew everything there was to know about motorcycles....

So the guy buys the bike, pulls out of the dealership, nails the throttle and was probably going over 120 mph when some old lady pulled out in front of him....

He was killed and had ridden his new motorcycle less then 1 mile. It was also his birthday.

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

Not sure how this all fits in this thread but thought I'd share that little bit of history with ya.

:cool2:

[Sombeech]

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

"....ummm, so are you gonna by a motorcycle or not, lady?"

[Iceaxe]

I actually ended up making a mint on that FJ1100. Since I was riding for Yamaha I could get parts for the FJ at cost. So I bought the FJ from insurance for almost nothing and put it back together. Sold it for only a couple hundred less then new..... I mean what the hell, it only had one mile on it.

:cool2:

[Jaxx]

I have clients come in and say they never got their bill or since the bill was due on a weekend day they shouldn't pay the late fee. They always end up paying the late fee.

[nefarious]

The really hard part for me was every year for the next 10 years on the guys birthday his widow would track me down by phone and rail on me how it was all my fault her husband was dead.

"....ummm, so are you gonna buy a motorcycle or not, lady?"Oh yeah! :haha:

[Scott P]

So anyways, what are some of the interesting conversations you've had with some of your customers?

I work for the Department of Transportation (CDOT). When I travel to Denver, I get lost. Yet people think that since I drive the orange truck that I know where I

[Sombeech]

This is what an anonymous co employee does. We're trying to go as paperless as possible; email, instant messaging, fax right from the computer into email..... you know.

So, some of the old dogs in the plumbing industry won't learn new tricks. (not can't, but won't)
So I'll email pdf files and spreadsheets to the sales staff for certain records. They end up printing them off, stacking them in a mess on their desks, and deleting the email. Only to come back to me next week and ask if I can send it again.

[Sombeech]

Customer - "How much pipe would I need on a new house?"
Me - "How much plumbing will your house have?"
Customer - "I don't know"

[Sombeech]

I was the customer on this one.
I was at a Ben & Jerry's kiosk in San Diego, I forget the location but it's the park just below that huge Hyatt hotel.

So I'm ordering my ice cream cone and the sizes are:
1 scoop $$$
Regular $$$
2 scoops $$$
I asked the same question that apparently everybody was asking all day long. "How big is the regular?"
The girl was so tired of this question that she started talking to her coworker loud enough that I could hear. "People ask all day how big it is, I mean, isn't it common sense?"
Me - "Isn't 'common' sense determined by the general public? It doesn't seem like common sense if everybody is asking you about it."
I got my cone as she continued to justify her position, like she thought of the whole concept. I walked away, pretending not to pay attention as her voice got louder and louder.

[Sombeech]

Sorry, must keep going.

Co-worker (speaking over cubicle partition) - Justin! This box keeps popping up on my screen everyday! Get rid of it!
Me - What does it say?
Co-worker - I don't know. I just close it as soon as it comes up.

[Jaxx]

old lady I work with "Will you get a picture off the email for me. I don't know how."
me "I showed you how to do it an hour ago"
lady "but I'm too stupid to figure it out"
me "I know you are"
lady "I should quit but I like making life miserable for you"
me "HATE YOU!"

ok 90% of that was made up. The first two lines are true, the rest are daydreams I often have.

[Sombeech]

"Justin, my email isn't working"
"What's happening?"
"It's not sending my email out"
"Is it displaying an error message?"
"No, it's just sitting in my Outbox and not sending"
"What's the size of the email?"
"561 MB"
"I assume you're emailing that Garth Brooks album, again"
"Yeah, but it let me attach all of the songs."

[DiscGo]

old lady I work with "Will you get a picture off the email for me. I don't know how."
me "I showed you how to do it an hour ago"
lady "but I'm too stupid to figure it out"
me "I know you are"
lady "I should quit but I like making life miserable for you"
me "HATE YOU!"

ok 90% of that was made up. The first two lines are true, the rest are daydreams I often have.

:roflol:

[Iceaxe]

Before my wife was a hot young stripper wife she worked for Providian.... which if you don't know is a company that issues credit cards at outrageous interest rates to those who should not be allowed to touch a credit card.....

Customer: "What do you mean I still owe $5000? I canceled that credit card when it hit the $5000 limit"
HYSW: "Yes, but you still owe the $5000 you charged"
Cusomter: " Did'nt you hear me? I don't owe anything because I canceled the card when it hit the limit."

My hot young stripper wife has a couple hundred of similar exchanges.....

[Joe Gardner]

I was at some fast food joint a few years ago. One of those places that sales only Medium, Large and XL drink sizes, no small.

Lady in front of me: "How big is your Medium drink?"
Guy behind counter: "Its about the size of a small."
Lady: "Can I just get a small then?"
Guy: "We don't have small, you can buy a Large, its only ten cents more then a medium"
I zoned out after that... I think the lady ended up with a Med, but loudly bitched about how she would only fill it up half way, so she should only be charged for a small.



Another time, I was working at a mail store, like Mail Boxes Etc, but not.

FedEx made a daily pickup at 4:45pm, some rich guy came running in as the FedEx guy was making his last trip out to the truck. I ask the FedEx guy to hang on for a few while I finish up the paperwork needed for the customers over night letter.

I just needed to sign my name and write in our account number on the packaging slip, so I picked up the same pen the guy used to fill out his part of the slip.

Guy: "That pen is worth more then you are."
Me: "F*ck you"

I tossed his pen back at him, let the fedex guy drive off, used a bic to sign the paperwork and told him it would go out tomorrow at 4:45pm. I felt good about it :)

About a month later I found out that the same guy crashed his Porsche on I-15 and killed a young mother, I think he is still in prison... he was an ass.

[DiscGo]

About a month later I found out that the same guy crashed his Porsche on I-15 and killed a young mother, I think he is still in prison... he was an ass.

Is that whole thing true?

[HEADHUNTER]

I could write a book. I'm a help desk analyst for the federal government - that alone should tell you what I'm up against.

We get people all day long who have many, many issues....

Here's one help desk ticket we received:


NEED MY LAST NAMED CHANGED FROM ROBERTS TO ATWOOD, I'M
GETTING CONFUSED WHEN I SIGN ON TO XXXX, IT IS VERY HARD TO KEEP UP WITH DIFFERENT PASSWORDS LET ALONE TRYING TO MATCH NAMES

I assume she got married, but she didn't really explain it - maybe she just likes the name Atwood? dunno.


Oh and here's one more - a little bit of history. We have padlocks that the folks with laptops use so they can secure the laptop to the furniture so they don't have to undock it and lock it in a drawer. A lot of folks work from home...like this genius:


Since I can't attach the base plate to the furniture at the office can it be used when I work at home if attached to heavy or built in furniture or attached to a wall stud?

Apparently theft runs high at her house :ne_nau:


I also was an HR Director for a software consulting firm and a gentleman we were making an offer to demanded that we provide him with stock. But he only wanted one share - and he was very insistent upon it. The stock only traded at about $3/share. I told him he was better off letting me buy him lunch.

[Joe Gardner]

Yeah, happened in '94 or 95 at the point of the mtn. I am sketchy on the accident details, I know he lived and the lady in the other car did not.

[DiscGo]

That is crazy!

[Sombeech]

Cusomter: " Did'nt you hear me? I don't owe anything because I canceled the card when it hit the limit."

Hey, I think you may be on to something there.

[Scott Card]

Like Headhunter, I too could write a book on this subject...

One of my top 10 favorites was the lady, its important that you understand this is a WOMAN, probably mid 20's to early 30's, with kids, in my office for an auto accident consultation. I asked her what had happened. She stated that she had been rear-ended and sprained her cervix.... Huh??? She now had my full attention. I said to her, "Let me understand you correctly, you were rear-ended and sprained your cervix?" (I enunciated "Cervix" just to be clear) "Yup" she said to me. Now I had an idea that she was clueless so I asked her to tell me more... She stated that her sprained cervix was causing her head aches and all kinds of problems. She couldn't sleep or anything. I could only imagine that a truly sprained cervix would hurt but I didn't know there was a link between the cervix and a headache. (There may be an excuse between the two but not a physiological link). I finally couldn't stand it any more and I asked the most daring question of my career... "Ma'am, can you point to where it hurts?" She pointed to her neck. Yep, you guessed it. The doctor told her she had a cervical (neck) strain/sprain and she was going around town telling everyone she had a sprained cervix caused by a rear ender..... YIKES...

[Sombeech]

That makes my cervix hurt.

[accadacca]

"Justin, my email isn't working"
"What's happening?"
"It's not sending my email out"
"Is it displaying an error message?"
"No, it's just sitting in my Outbox and not sending"
"What's the size of the email?"
"561 MB"
"I assume you're emailing that Garth Brooks album, again"
"Yeah, but it let me attach all of the songs."
Garth Brooks CD.... :roflol:

[gonzo]

I used to work for an ISP (http://www.networld.com/) in Salt Lake City, and I would get called upon to do customer tech support when the regular support guys were too busy. This was about 90% of my phone calls:

Okay, I want you to click Start, go to Settings then Control Panels
...
No, the "Start" button. It's usually in the lower-left hand corner of your screen.
...
Yes, that Start button. Click it.
...
No, use the left mouse button.
...
Left.
...
If you need to use the right button I'll let you know.
...
Okay, so you clicked the Start button, now select Settings.
...
Just roll the mouse over where it says "Settings", it should highlight in blue.
...
Okay, now select Control Panels. That should open a new window. Click the icon that says "Network Settings".
...
No, use the left button.
...
It didn't do anything?
...
Did you double-click?
...
Okay, good.

And so on, and so on.

I'd tell you the things the customers would say, but honestly I usually just zoned out and surfed Serial Experiments Lain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_Experiments_Lain) sites while talking to them.

But, no matter how bad it was doing Windows support, Mac users were always worse. (Especially in the Pre-OS X days).

[Iceaxe]

an auto accident consultation. I asked her what had happened. She stated that she had been rear-ended and sprained her cervix....

Are you sure you understood the question correctly..... by car accident maybe she meant she got rear ended while in the back seat of a Camero and sprained her cervix.... It happened all the time at my high school.

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Sombeech]

No, use the left mouse button.
...
Left.
...
If you need to use the right button I'll let you know.

Tell me about it. I hear this about once a week
Me - Click on Tools, and then Options
Them - Right Click?
Me - No, just left click. That's the normal one.
Them - The normal one?
Me - Yes, the normal clicking button.
Them - OK, go where?
Me - Tools, and then Options
Them - Do I left click on Options, too?

[Scott Card]

an auto accident consultation. I asked her what had happened. She stated that she had been rear-ended and sprained her cervix....

Are you sure you understood the question correctly..... by car accident maybe she meant she got rear ended while in the back seat of a Camero and sprained her cervix.... It happened all the time at my high school.

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

I knew if any one would get the humor of this story, it would be you Ice. :five:

[jumar]

Soooooo glad I don't do tech support anymore. :nod:

[packfish]

I had a guy call and ask about using some PCP pipe. I told him not to let the police know and he though I was being an ass until I explained it to him.

[Sombeech]

Plumbing stuff again...

A customer asked me to bring in some special faucets.
I order them in, and he changes his mind.
Me - Hey, we've got those faucets in here for you.
Plumber - I decided to go with another one.
Me - Well, these are special order, we'll have to charge you for the freight and restock.
Plumber - I'm not gonna pay a fee. You should be stocking those anyways!
Me - Why should we be stocking them?
Plumber - Because that's a common faucet.
Me - Common? OK, when would you like to pick them up?

[Sombeech]

I had a guy call and ask about using some PCP pipe.

:lol8: I've had customers come in and ask for PVC pipe. I'll ask which type (mistakenly thinking they know what they're talking about).
"You know, Schedule 40 PVC pipe."
"It's for holding pressure, right?" (we have Sch 40, DWV, Sewer, and it's all PVC pipe.)
Trying not to upset the customer, I pull a shopping cart full of fittings. I come up to the counter and he asks, "Don't these have the gaskets in 'em?"
Me - "No"
I walked back into the warehouse taking EXTRA LONG to correct the order.

[gonzo]

My wife used to work at Dancing Crane Imports (http://www.dci673.com/cranes/index.html) when they were still in Sugar House. At that point they had moved all of their "glassware" to a head shop next door, called appropriately enough "Next Door".

These were her two most common questions:

"Umm...do...you...guys...still...sell...uhhh...glas s?" (Question usually came from the dirty dreadlocked white kid type).

And:

"I have to take a drug test tomorrow, do you guys sell anything for that?" (Usually asked by a freaked out girl).

[Sombeech]

"I have to take a drug test tomorrow, do you guys sell anything for that?" (Usually asked by a freaked out girl).

Yes we do! Here's a cup. $5

[savanna3313]

So anyways, what are some of the interesting conversations you've had with some of your customers?

You know you shouldn't try to correct them, or tell them they're wrong. All you can do is talk about them behind their back. :2thumbs:

When I had Shell location back in New Orleans, we used to close the bathrooms down during the Mardi Gras parades. Trust me when I tell you, you do not want the masses using your restrooms even though they are open to the public.

Now.....there is much beverage imbibing during the parade session and people are looking for a place to go. And they don't care where. I am working in my office one evening, I spot a couple coming around the corner heading into the carwash. I wait a minute or two, they don't come back so I get up to go see what's going on. Sure enough, the girl is squatting down over the carwash pit "relieving" herself. I protest that this is no a public toilet, and the man with her says to me "Oh...it's ok. I have a Shell credit card." :roll: huh??? Last time I checked there wasn't anywhere in the customer rights that states it's alright to publicly urinate in the Shell carwash of your choice. I guess I should've asked him for his credit card and said "Oh....ok. That'll be 19.99 for use of the carwash pit."

The girl just kept on tinkling the whole time the guy was talking to me....... :ne_nau:

[Sombeech]

"Oh...it's ok. I have a Shell credit card."

In that case, we've got a special upgrade going on now. Defecate for only $25.

[savanna3313]

Like Headhunter, I too could write a book on this subject...

(I nd town telling everyone she had a sprained cervix caused by a rear ender..... YIKES...

Your story reminds me of a lady customer who "fell" in the ladies room one day and hit her "scrotum" on the rim of the sink. I asked her to tell me again what she hit on the sink's edge "My scrotum!!" she yells and points down to her sternum area. The fact that I couldn't quit laughing didn't help the situation. :haha:

Actually, I WANTED to write a book and call it RETAIL. :haha: I figured I would have to sell it under fiction though because no one would ever believe it was true stories. I could have a whole chapter just under Mardi Gras. Then there were the crazy employees and customers. We used to have a guy who came in once a month, around 2 am, and would get out of his car stark naked and pump his gas. He always paid at the pump which was a relief for whoever was working in the kiosk that night. :haha:

A friend working in a woman's dress store had a lady come in who wanted to buy stirrup pants. However, she didn't ask for them by that name, she came in and wanted to buy a pair of those pants with a "hook in the foot" and she wanted them in a 9-B (shoe size). My friend tried to explain how the size was sold, and the lady asked for the manager to complain that my friend was rude and ridiculed her while she was trying to shop.

[HEADHUNTER]

Ah - just got off the phone with a lady in LA - her prints from a certain application come off the network printer slowly - doesn't happen with all applications, just this one specific application. I told her we'd get someone locally to figure it out - our remote control tool is broken :frustrated:

Anyhow - she then proceeds to tell me that when she pushes the 'GO' button on the printer to make it go faster it screws up the print jobs.

"Um, don't press that button to make it printer faster - that's not what it's there for"

"oh, okay"

DOH!

[denaliguide]

years ago i used to work in juneau, alaska. i would be down at the dock when the cruise ships would come in and greet the people as they came off the ship. invariably one would come up to me as we are all standing on the DOCK and ask "how high above sea level are we?". all i could say is "i'm not sure why don't you look over the side of the DOCK!"

[Scott Card]

years ago i used to work in juneau, alaska. i would be down at the dock when the cruise ships would come in and greet the people as they came off the ship. invariably one would come up to me as we are all standing on the DOCK and ask "how high above sea level are we?". all i could say is "i'm not sure why don't you look over the side of the DOCK!"

:lol8: "You mean to tell me that if I go North I am not at a higher elevation?" Oh ya, I forgot about that. By the way, if you go to the south pole, you are about 50,000 feet below sea level. :haha:

[Iceaxe]

"how high above sea level are we?"

This is great.... at least you know which girls are going to be a fun date. :2thumbs:

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Scott Card]

Your story reminds me of a lady customer who "fell" in the ladies room one day and hit her "scrotum" on the rim of the sink. I asked her to tell me again what she hit on the sink's edge "My scrotum!!" she yells and points down to her sternum area. The fact that I couldn't quit laughing didn't help the situation. :haha:


:roflol: :roflol: I have had that one too by no less than two clients. Another favorite is the scrotum vs sacrum (tail bone) as in "I fell and broke my scrotum and I can't sit down" :haha:

[Sombeech]

I'm laughing so hard that my scrotum hurts. It's moving towards my cervix though.

[DiscGo]

years ago i used to work in juneau, alaska. i would be down at the dock when the cruise ships would come in and greet the people as they came off the ship. invariably one would come up to me as we are all standing on the DOCK and ask "how high above sea level are we?". all i could say is "i'm not sure why don't you look over the side of the DOCK!"

Me too! Among of favorite dumb tourist quotes, people have asked me: Does Alaska accept American Money? and my other favorite:
What is the State Duck of Alaska?


People are just dumb sometimes.

[Death]

Oh how I love the funny things people say I get it all day.
For a little background I am a broker at Etrade so basicly customers call me up and ask me about investment stuff or have me make trades for them.

Unfortunatly most people who manage there own investments have no clue what there doing. I had one customer call me up and ask me if he made a trade for a stock and it went down in price if he could call me back and we could reverse the trade??? I just hung up.
One sad stupid story is I had a customer who was managing his mothers retirement account. One day he calls me up crying on the phone and asks me to look at his account turns out he had invested just about all of his mothers 18,000 on the options of a company and that company had lost over half its value in 1 day, all that was left in the account was 2,000.
Also had a customer call and tell me that we stole all his money just screaming at me well come to find out he had a joint account with his wife who had just had an affair on him and left. Come to find out right before she left she took all 55,000 out of his account.

[DiscGo]

Death- Those are really sad! Does that ever weigh on you?

[Death]

It does make me sad but its not my problem or my fault and even if I wanted to help them I cant get them there money back that they lost.
I only give guidance and do what people tell me I cant make the decisions for them.

[DiscGo]

Yeah, I'm with you. It is just not realistic to try and return money. I just don't' think most people realize the risks of stocks. I would think you get stuck being blamed a lot of times for things that are not your fault but horrible for other people.

[Sombeech]

I was working at Fred Myer's about 12 years ago. I was working in the Garden Center.

A customer came out and asked if I could help them with the Paint, which was inside, because they didn't see anybody in there.

I told them they should go down the next aisle, and there should be an employee there to help them out.

I knew there wouldn't be, but there should. :lol8:

[DiscGo]

I knew there wouldn't be, but there should. :lol8:

:haha:

[Sombeech]

I thought this was funny. This is a clip I chopped from Jay Leno.

It's a 911 call. A woman calls 911 because she didn't get a dollar back with her meal. :lol8:

I couldn't put it on YouTube because of copyright stuff. :roll: :roll: :roll:

[chickenlicken]

I have a customer that said she would send me an email with her customers